I don't know why but I can tell my mood is tanking…I'm at a loss as to why. I was productive, ate well and even walked. Yet I feel the dark cloud of depression coming.
I guess it could be the lack of…friends I have on a day to day basis. I chat on social media sites yes but there is no substitute to face-to-face chatting. As I work on my current story, I feel envy of the main character in some ways. I've created a hell for her but also an angel she met at the hospital…
Anyway, I hear my dad coming home…I don't know what to do, I guess putting on my "mask" is a must while my mother is not physically here.
My dad has never been my first choice to tell when I'm feeling down, I mean he all but went crazy when he knew I was harming myself in the past.
Dare I say it but maybe a nap–a second one–will make me feel better, though I doubt it. I write in an attempt to feel better but it rarely does the trick.
Chat is a hit or miss I guess…I mean I don't want to bring the room down to my low level but faking it isn't helpful either…I guess I'm just too hard on myself, in so many ways.
Luckily I see both my therapist and p doc this week. I actually dread p doc appointment because he wanted me to get my learner's renewed and start driving. If I was sure he wouldn't throw me in a hospital, I'd show him my blog. Just the blog, not the comments.
Maybe the p doc appointment is getting me down–how ironic. I'm sick of the med changes and all. I feel if I tell him all that's happened in the last month, he'll just add another med to the f***ing cocktail I'm already on.
As I sit here venting, I wonder if having one of the most read blogs is a good or bad thing. I'm not sure at the moment.
I had thoughts of writing my dad a letter for Father's Day but I've lost the motivation…I've lost too much too fast as I write this blog. WTF??
I need things I can't have: my college group, someone who gives a damm and understands what it's like to have pain nearly all day every day.
My mood is officially tanked….