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Two weeks ago today I called my therapist because I wanted to kill myself. He called the police for me, who had an ambulance take me to the local ER. At 2AM tuesday I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. On admit I was asked why I was there, and I told the nurse that I want to kill myself. That was the first time I ever told anyone exactly what I felt. I was desperate. Her response to me was "don't tell the doctor that". that was the beginning of an admission where I was there for 7 days, they would not adjust my meds, told me if I lose weight I would be happy, and discharged me worse than when I went in. Every day I think of new ways to kill myself. My financial situation has never been so dire… after all my bills, I have less than $60 a month for food, household products, toiletries, etc. My medically needy government assitance (a type of medicaid) expired and noone wil help me renew it, so I am no longer able to go to the Intensive Outpatient program I was attending. I can no longer afford to see a prescriber for my meds, and stopped taking them 8 days ago, except for Seroquel and trazadone, so I can at least sleep. My life is nothing but crying every day. I have no friends because they got tired of hearing about all my problems and my negativity and "dark side" constantly. I know that by this time next year I will not be here any more. I cannot live in the physical and emotional pain/agony I deal with all day, every day. I am not emotionally stable enough to get a job, and am very limited due to my physical limitations. I feel like I fell down a VERY DEEP and VERY DARK hole with smooth, slippery sides, and have no way to get out. Better yet, I just don't want to try any more. My best friend killed herself June 1, and I would love to know how she did it. I wish it ws me instead of her. We think it was accidental. I would love to trade with her, have her here and I could be gone.

2 Comments
  1. TessErin 8 years ago

     Thumpermom,
    Do you have children or pets? Think about them before you end your life. I have several pets and I know they would be devistated if I ended my life. And I have family. They would be so sad if I wasn't in their lives anymore. How would your mom feel if she knew her daughter was struggling? What would she tell you to do? If she is no longer physically in your life, think about it.
    I've been to hospitals that were a joke too. But I found a really good hospital a few weeks later. Do some research on behavioral hospitals in your area. Or if you really feel like you need immediate help, call 911 and tell them you went to hospital x and it was of no help.
    I really hope you can find some help. If you need to talk, send me a message.I'll get an email and I'll respond as quickly as I can. I'm in college now but tomorrow is my last day for a week, thank God lol
    Take care of yourself and the cutie in the picture. I have a black and white cat too, Sophie. We took Sophie in after she was abandoned at the school where my dad works.
    Anyway, take care
    Tess xxxxxxxx

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  2. flowermantis 8 years ago

    hi thumpermom.It sounds horrible that hospital.I went to a hospital when i was desperate and couldnt get out fast enough,they were so mean so i can relate to that.Maybe there is a better hospital,please try to find one.I love cats,my little siamese died at 14 ,i miss her so much and i cant get another cat yet due to where I live and all sorts of stuff.I felt tears when you said you are looking after a little brain damaged cat,thats so beautiful,it really is.She would miss you and she needs you,but i know its imperative we feel half human to cope with looking after things we love.Im sure you have tried hard to get better,all i can say is I know depression very very well,its soul destroying but we are still going and we will continue and things will get better for us,they will.All the best to you,I really hope you find some peace,truly I really do.

    Flowermantis

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