Two weeks ago today I called my therapist because I wanted to kill myself. He called the police for me, who had an ambulance take me to the local ER. At 2AM tuesday I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. On admit I was asked why I was there, and I told the nurse that I want to kill myself. That was the first time I ever told anyone exactly what I felt. I was desperate. Her response to me was "don't tell the doctor that". that was the beginning of an admission where I was there for 7 days, they would not adjust my meds, told me if I lose weight I would be happy, and discharged me worse than when I went in. Every day I think of new ways to kill myself. My financial situation has never been so dire… after all my bills, I have less than $60 a month for food, household products, toiletries, etc. My medically needy government assitance (a type of medicaid) expired and noone wil help me renew it, so I am no longer able to go to the Intensive Outpatient program I was attending. I can no longer afford to see a prescriber for my meds, and stopped taking them 8 days ago, except for Seroquel and trazadone, so I can at least sleep. My life is nothing but crying every day. I have no friends because they got tired of hearing about all my problems and my negativity and "dark side" constantly. I know that by this time next year I will not be here any more. I cannot live in the physical and emotional pain/agony I deal with all day, every day. I am not emotionally stable enough to get a job, and am very limited due to my physical limitations. I feel like I fell down a VERY DEEP and VERY DARK hole with smooth, slippery sides, and have no way to get out. Better yet, I just don't want to try any more. My best friend killed herself June 1, and I would love to know how she did it. I wish it ws me instead of her. We think it was accidental. I would love to trade with her, have her here and I could be gone.