Too busy/tired/exhausted to write a whole lot today… even though thats what I always say before writing half of a book for a blog. Just sitting here at work (where I have been basically been unproductive since 2pm and I arrived at 1:30pm)… and since I have been struggling with my depression again lately and am working with my doctor to adjust my medications again, I'm just reminded of the many other times in the past that I've sat at work thinking the same thing: How do I even have a job? Even though I've actually been steadily committed to taking my medication as prescribed for almost 2 years now (before I was a stop & go jumper)… I can still remember how amazingly productive I was during manic episodes, and even though the past year until my recent car accident has been fairly stable (considering the comparison) … God, I miss those manic highs. I'm diagnosed with a nice long list of issues, which sometimes I feel treating one makes the others worse and it ends up being a choice between 2 evils. I have lived on my own since I was 16 (broken family), but always had a job and somehow took care of myself… even if that meant I was sleeping in my car for months and showering at the gym. Having a job has always pulled me through to some extent- probably because I don't usually have much of a support system and I knew that if I lost my job, I would lose everything I had and wouldnt really have anywhere to go. Even writing this blog is making me feel annoyed about telling a sob story… but the many days (especially while we are adjusting my meds) that I sit here at my desk staring blankly at my computer or flipping through my phone for anything to distract my mind… I just wonder why they even bother keeping me wherever I'm employed. I'm great at my job when I'm UP…. but sometimes I think I have more lows than highs (within the "normal" range). My job is mainly based on commission which you would think would be enough motivation since my paycheck largely depends on me getting shit done, and FAST…and EFFECTIVELY. I made basically nothing last week. But I dont feel qualified to work anywhere else anymore, since even though I'm steadily treated… the idea of applying, interviewing, waiting and the anxiety of me leaving this company that employees me even though I'm practically useless some days for a company that will let me go the minute they realize that I'm not quite the shining star I seemed to be the first few weeks. Anyone else think about this? How do you motivate yourself? I feel like in my head I motivate myself to do tons of things, but not a single part of my mind or body will cooperate in actually DOING something. I know the darkness isnt forever, but WOW do I hate knowing that realistically this is the best my life will be. (I have everything I need… I meaning emotionally more so). – xx .. all thoughts accepted!