Too busy/tired/exhausted to write a whole lot today… even though thats what I always say before writing half of a book for a blog. Just sitting here at work (where I have been basically been unproductive since 2pm and I arrived at 1:30pm)… and since I have been struggling with my depression again lately and am working with my doctor to adjust my medications again, I'm just reminded of the many other times in the past that I've sat at work thinking the same thing: How do I even have a job? Even though I've actually been steadily committed to taking my medication as prescribed for almost 2 years now (before I was a stop & go jumper)… I can still remember how amazingly productive I was during manic episodes, and even though the past year until my recent car accident has been fairly stable (considering the comparison) … God, I miss those manic highs. I'm diagnosed with a nice long list of issues, which sometimes I feel treating one makes the others worse and it ends up being a choice between 2 evils. I have lived on my own since I was 16 (broken family), but always had a job and somehow took care of myself… even if that meant I was sleeping in my car for months and showering at the gym. Having a job has always pulled me through to some extent- probably because I don't usually have much of a support system and I knew that if I lost my job, I would lose everything I had and wouldnt really have anywhere to go. Even writing this blog is making me feel annoyed about telling a sob story… but the many days (especially while we are adjusting my meds) that I sit here at my desk staring blankly at my computer or flipping through my phone for anything to distract my mind… I just wonder why they even bother keeping me wherever I'm employed. I'm great at my job when I'm UP…. but sometimes I think I have more lows than highs (within the "normal" range). My job is mainly based on commission which you would think would be enough motivation since my paycheck largely depends on me getting shit done, and FAST…and EFFECTIVELY. I made basically nothing last week. But I dont feel qualified to work anywhere else anymore, since even though I'm steadily treated… the idea of applying, interviewing, waiting and the anxiety of me leaving this company that employees me even though I'm practically useless some days for a company that will let me go the minute they realize that I'm not quite the shining star I seemed to be the first few weeks. Anyone else think about this? How do you motivate yourself? I feel like in my head I motivate myself to do tons of things, but not a single part of my mind or body will cooperate in actually DOING something. I know the darkness isnt forever, but WOW do I hate knowing that realistically this is the best my life will be. (I have everything I need… I meaning emotionally more so). – xx .. all thoughts accepted!

1 Comment
  1. Dntsaynuthn 7 years ago

     Thanks MN, believe it or not your comment was a mix of encouragement and a sigh of frustration from me re-realizing that this is just how it is no matter how much I imagine a world where I enjoy things or at least dont dread them.  Getting a commission job was one of my bad decisions, although there were a few times that I was manic enough to make the most of it…but mostly not.  I just happened to suddenly have the urge to leave my M-F, 9-5, hourly, stable job with pretty good benefits for an opportunity at making 'tons of money'.  I quickly learned that it wasnt what I had dreamed, but getting back into another job scene thats more stable is proving harder the longer that I go without finding something.  I just dont feel qualified for anything, but cant understand how I had a better job at 16 than at 22?  

    I too also despise the impossibly long, overly detailed & frustrating online applications that usually turn out to be nothing when you would think that an upload section for a cover letter & resume would be enough and the rest of that crap could be Part II.  I hope it will get easier… so many other things going on that everything in me just wants to stay home and never get out of bed.  Each day is tougher than the last.  

    I could never have a pastor for a therapist, but thats probably because I also have personal frustrations with people in positions of power… especially religious power.  So kudos to you!

    I been in a new city for 2 years now, so obviously no connections, which in hindsight seemed to be how I did keep a job all the time, even when I was homeless.  I think also the fact that I had no family support of any kind and was living on the street at 16/17 with no help and no real friends as I had been excommunicated from a religion I grew up in at the time.  The stories could never end, but still feel like I'm just drowning in self pity and I hate reading what I write … but thank you for the encouragement!

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    0 kudos

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