I don't know how to describe my mood currently. My mom, again, has stumbled with her drinking. I can't help but think of the Biblical story, The Prodigal Son. We studied that very parable yesterday. I guess the best thing for me to do is take the position of the father in that story, keep forgiving and supporting. I love my mom so much, that is not the question. The question I guess would be how many times should I…give her a chance…that doesn't sound accurate when I use that word. How many times before I lose all faith in her words? Yeah that seems to be the most accurate term I can come up with after three classes and a newspaper meeting.
I worry so much about how this will affect my brother, my dad and me. I say now "I could never drink that much." But I don't have all of the stresses that my parents do, I don't have a house to pay for, cars and daily things–as of yet. I'm trying not to be negative–even if my mom never reads this. I think of my friend who's mom is a classic alcoholic. She has distanced herself from her mom…should I do that? I don't know if I could, I love and still depend on her and my dad so much…I wish I could get over the fears I have and begin to do things on my own and for myself.
I, honestly, am getting frustrated, guilty and scared I suppose. Guilty because I believe–in my twisted head–that she drinks because of my problems and my depression. I can't seem to shake that. Scared because I worry she'll get behind the wheel.
I guess I'll stop for now. Feeling drained and…oh hell, upset I guess. I can't really put into words exactly how I feel.