I've discovered I have a new addiction: frappuccinos. They bring my comfort amid the stresses of college. They bring me a moment's peace and calm. I feel so bad for admitting I am unable to control myself. I would dare say the coffee is equivalent to my former "bad habit."
I worked so hard this past summer trying to lose weight and I was so close to having lost 20 lbs. As the weeks of college life unfold, I find myself feeling sad, depressed and alone in my pain. I felt like an outcast going to the counseling department last semester…why would I expect some ordinary college counselor help me?
I've never used food as a punishment but rather a comfort when I have no one else to answer my question "Don't you understand?" The truth is the relative that would understand, I am warned not to end up like her. Ever since I was around 13. My dad would tell me, "Don't end up like L." I feel she is the only one who understands yet I don't feel I should unload on her. She has her own life and a daughter–my cousin–who also has struggled with depression. I feel so weak compared to them. My cousin who has been hurt by more than one person–in different ways–is able to have good moments and feel comfortable in her skin. And she is 17. I think at 23 I should have accomplished that years ago. But I guess like everything else, I'm too much of a chicken to do what it takes.
I guess reading Dickens' David Copperfield isn't a good thing, but it's not like I have a choice. I can't help but compare young David to the Dave in the book, A Child Called "It." They both search for acceptance and love. Dave Pelzer finds it and he is able to help so many along the way and David Copperfield…I know it semi autobiographical for Dickens' and that book is a well-known one.
I guess 12 hours–the minimum to be able to stay on campus–is too much for me. God I have friends taking up to 18 hours and I can't handle 12!!! I had to look up a word similar to "weak" because I feel I've used it too much already. Pathetic seems accurate, feeble well that works too.
I find my thoughts drifting to a father of my brother's friend. He found the guts to end the pain but I know he caused pain at the same time. Isn't it selfish for people withOUT depression expect us to "deal with it"???? My answer at the moment, YES!!!!!!!!!!
I can't even find comfort in music at the moment. I'm listening to my youtube playlist and the song, "I believe in a thing called love" God knows I've given up on that area of my life.
Sorry my thoughts are all over the place. As soon as I typed the sentence about giving up, I'm reminded–how appropriately–of the Jewish ceremony of hanging themezuzah that I attended yesterday. THAT is the icing on the cake!! I'd curl up and cry if I knew I could do so without alerting anyone. But alas, dorm walls aren't the greatest.