Go ahead, call me tin grin.


On Tuesday I had braces placed on my lower teeth. I was also given a retainer/expander for my top teeth which you can barely see in my profile picture. I’m wearing braces to close the spaces between my teeth and move my lower teeth under my upper teeth. Most people naturally have a slight “parrot mouth” (I guess overbite is the dental term) where the top teeth are forward of the lower teeth. I have a “money mouth” (underbite) where my lower teeth stick out forward of my upper teeth. (“Monkey mouth” and “Parrot mouth” are the terms we use for these conditions in the equine conformation world.) The retainer/expander is to fix the cross bite on the right side of my mouth. I’ll have the retainer/expander for six months before I get braces on the top teeth.


My mouth HURTS. Even thought I was not told to go a liquid diet I basically am on one because it hurts to chew even bread or lettuce. I’ve been grunting and groaning because of the pain. Every time I take the retainer in and out I fear I’m causing permanent damage to the enamel of my teeth and my gums. Once I get it in it and keep it in for a while it doesn’t hurt but it’s awkward having a hunk of plastic at the roof of my mouth. Plus, on one side there are two exposed metal hooks that my tongue “has” to constantly rub against. It’s really annoying.


As a cruel piece of irony in the chair next to me a lady had her braces taken off while mine were being put on. The orthodontist and her assistances sang a cheesy song to the tune of “When Johnny Comes Marching Home.”


The braces are coming off today.
Hoorah, Hoorah
The braces are coming off today.
Hoorah, Hoorah
Your teeth are straight,
Your smile looks great
We’ll all celebrate your braces come off today.


My orthodontist has a lot of silly perks in her office. For example with my tool chest of oral hygiene tools and samples I got a t-shirt that says “Property of Heather Lindsay.” Every time I wear it to my orthodontist appointment I get one entry in “Lindsay’s Lotto” for gift certificates. Now I know why in the end I’ll have to pay over $5,000 for treatment. I also went to another orthodontist for a second opinion. She quoted me $2,000 less but was not going to fix my cross bite.


Well, at least I have a physically attractive blonde orthodontist (http://www.lindsayorthodontics.com/about.asp) remolding my mouth to complement my physically attractive brunette chiropractor and my BBW message therapist. It’s a nice break from my male primary care physician, my male dentist, my two male therapists, my male EAP counselor, my male psychiatrist, and my male cardiopulmonary specialist treating my sleep apnea.


Joel

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