Hi. This is not the first time that I’m going to talk about my anxiety. I always write on my notes pad what I feel just to let it out of my system. And just so you know, I have social anxiety. No doctor diagnosed me, I just found out myself.
Okay so I am going to paste here the things I wrote when ny anxiety and depression triggered so hard. So here it goes….
“I just realized..
No amount of makeup or money or success or fame can ever hide the fact that I am depressed. I am sick. I need help. I am worthless. I am nothing. I turn to makeup to make myself feel a little more confident and alive and be my old self back but ugh. I just can’t. If you’ll see me, you won’t fucking notice that Im a depressed ass bitch. It’s so hard having to pretend all the fucking time, you know. Like every day is a fucking show. And when I go back to bed at night, all the depression and the misery and the loneliness and the fucking anxiety just goes off on me and they never let me sleep. I always go back to the fucking bad times in my life. People who fucked me up. My bad decisions. Everything just always play in my mind whenever I go back to bed and it’s so fucking annoying. People say we should never get stuck in the past or whatever but I just want to curl up in bed all fucking day. And I can’t.. coz I have to learn this and learn how to fucking cook and learn how to yada yada yada. Like fuck? I’m no fucking saint. I’m not a damn perfect ass girl. I’m not. But when you don’t fucking get up in bed, they judge you for that you know. They fucking think I’m a fucking lazy ass bitch. Maybe I am, but can you all please just cut me some slack here? Because this bitch is trying so fucking hard. You don’t even know how the fuck I’m trying so hard to get the fuck out of bed and face the world pretending to be fucking okay WHEN I’M just fucking NOT.
Social anxiety gets the fucking best of me when I’m around A LOT of people I have to mingle with. Like uhh no thanks I’ma curl up in bed and just deal with my shit you know? I literally SHAKE when I’m talking to someone. Like it doesnt happen every single time but MOST OF THE TIME, it happens. And you know I just want to be fucking successful and I want to be proud of myself but I can’t…… because I hate me. I hate my damn self. I hate they way I look. I hate the way I fucking talk. Everything about me I kinda hate. Like why? How did I become like this?……….. I’ve been like this for fucking 5 years. And i just don’t know….. i don’t want to kill myself. But i don’t know how to stop this…….