Hi. This is not the first time that I’m going to talk about my anxiety. I always write on my notes pad what I feel just to let it out of my system. And just so you know, I have social anxiety. No doctor diagnosed me, I just found out myself.

Okay so I am going to paste here the things I wrote when ny anxiety and depression triggered so hard. So here it goes….

 

I just realized..

No amount of makeup or money or success or fame can ever hide the fact that I am depressed. I am sick. I need help. I am worthless. I am nothing. I turn to makeup to make myself feel a little more confident and alive and be my old self back but ugh. I just can’t. If you’ll see me, you won’t fucking notice that Im a depressed ass bitch. It’s so hard having to pretend all the fucking time, you know. Like every day is a fucking show. And when I go back to bed at night, all the depression and the misery and the loneliness and the fucking anxiety just goes off on me and they never let me sleep. I always go back to the fucking bad times in my life. People who fucked me up. My bad decisions. Everything just always play in my mind whenever I go back to bed and it’s so fucking annoying. People say we should never get stuck in the past or whatever but I just want to curl up in bed all fucking day. And I can’t.. coz I have to learn this and learn how to fucking cook and learn how to yada yada yada. Like fuck? I’m no fucking saint. I’m not a damn perfect ass girl. I’m not. But when you don’t fucking get up in bed, they judge you for that you know. They fucking think I’m a fucking lazy ass bitch. Maybe I am, but can you all please just cut me some slack here? Because this bitch is trying so fucking hard. You don’t even know how the fuck I’m trying so hard to get the fuck out of bed and face the world pretending to be fucking okay WHEN I’M just fucking NOT.

Social anxiety gets the fucking best of me when I’m around A LOT of people I have to mingle with. Like uhh no thanks I’ma curl up in bed and just deal with my shit you know? I literally SHAKE when I’m talking to someone. Like it doesnt happen every single time but MOST OF THE TIME, it happens. And you know I just want to be fucking successful and I want to be proud of myself but I can’t…… because I hate me. I hate my damn self. I hate they way I look. I hate the way I fucking talk. Everything about me I kinda hate. Like why? How did I become like this?……….. I’ve been like this for fucking 5 years. And i just don’t know….. i don’t want to kill myself. But i don’t know how to stop this…….

– i.c.

1 Comment
  1. bridgie101 3 years ago

    Hmm.

    You’re triggering ALL my mum instincts.

    I have anxiety and I have a daughter who gets it. There are a few things you’re doing wrong.

    1. let yourself remember the bad thing: but stick to one. Promise yourself that tonight, you’ll remember this one awful thing, and you’ll face it, and not shy away from it. And not flit to the next thing.

    Otherwise what actually happens is you flit from horror to horror, spending enough time to be overwhelmed and freaked out – but not enough time to actaully express and resolve the bad time. A bad memory starts always by making you feel stupid, and useless, and ugly and lazy and all those bad feelings. If you face the memory, face it square on, accept it. let the bad feelings wash over you, you ALWAYS end up saying ‘oh gosh. that’s no big deal. Everyone does that’ or something like this. Anxiety winds you up thinking you’re a total fail but you HAVE to confront the bad things, one by one, so that they can vanish into thin air.

    Otherwise you spend your life chased by ghosts.

    The second thing, the not getting up.

    If you are in the habit of getting up on time, being organised, getting on with things, then the family will notice you are unwell when you don’t. But if you are not, if you’ve made a history for yourself of never getting out of bed, they will see it as more of the same. There’s also an extent to which hard work is a cure to depression. Not a perfect one, but it certainly is good for it. Being hauled out of yourself and having to go and do your work can relieve you of the intense pressure of your feelings. So do what you can to embrace it.

    I would never recomend someone go down the official ‘i have anxiety and depression’ route until they’d given the above two things a try. But when you do give them your best shot, if they do not work then definitely go to the doctor, and talk about things with him/her. The doctor can put you in touch with some kind of mental health system. There are things we can do to train our brains and there are activities we can perform to change our chemical state.

    Take a good multivitamin, eat well, drink a lot of water and sleep when you can. go to bed early so that you can malinger for a couple of hours before popping off to sleep (that’s how I did it.) And never forget: your friends aren’t lying in bed tonight, thinking about the dumb thing you did or said. They’re probably lying in bed thinking about the dumb thing they did or said.

    We’re all the same. 🙂

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