Again I wish I could select multiple moods or elaborate on the "other". I am light headed as I have taken a Klonopin to handle my anxiety today. But it will prevent me from being productive. I just won't feel like killing myself from anxiety or crying uncontrollably. I am very depressed, unmotivated, feeling physically ill (don't know if it is a virus or related to the psychological factors). I was anxious, but now the Klonopinhas kicked in and mellowed that out. I am wanting to isolate. I canceled a lunch date with a friend since I was not feeling well. I could have pushed through it, or waited until it was closer to the time and seen that I was feeling better. So there is the mood analysis. Guess I need to find some music. Simonand Garfunkle sound good. But the first song is too upbeat. I hope Bookends or Sound of Silence comes up soon. (Pandora)

I know I need to find it in my heart to forgive my sister. But I also do not have to go back for more mistreatment. That is the line I am trying to walk. I can forgive and still discontinue a relationship. My sister has been a user of people, an opportunist looking out for herself and her family only. Never showing gratitude for what others have done for her. She has a short temper and lets her fuse blow often. She never apologizes; just wants to pretend it never happened, sweep it under the rug or if confronted never take accountability for her actions. (by the way, this as a family dynamic we all learned from our parents and grandparents.I discovered this over 20 years ago in therapy. It is so unhealthy. You spend your days waiting for the other shoe to drop).I thought she had changed and wanted to confess/admit her wrong to my father before he died. No, it was more of the same; ignore the issues and pretend life is hunky-dory. I find it sad that she is so selfish and self centered. I always joked she pretended she was an only child (there are three more of us girls), but there is a lot of truth in that. I have not seen her sacrifice anything for anyone other than her husband or children. And yet she told my husband she has done as much for Mom and Dad as the rest of us. Maybe it is that I never toot my horn when I do acts of kindness and service. I have taken to heart what our grandmother said "If you do an act of kindness in public, it doesn't count. It is when you do it in secret when no one else knows that it matters." There is scriptural basis for this and I try to follow it.

She read a tribute to my dad at his service. It was OK but strange. She got one fact wrong (she gave Dad credit for something that his father did for us grandchildren, not him. Minor detail, but it showshow detached she was and does not even know what went on. She also made it sound like our father bought multiple fur coats for our mother. He bought one. Just one. Again, minor detail, but it shows how she has a distorted view of history. (She may be confusing the mink stole Mom had early on, but that was from her mother or aunt, not Dad). I just found it weird that the only story of Dad's love for us was buying coats. She emphasized that he picked them out himself and went to great length to get the right one. I would have focused more on the things Dad did for us and with us. (Which my husband did in his eulogy). He went ice skating with us. I remember him falling a few times. He thought it'd be easy since he roller skated so well. He took us to Six Flags often as we would have season tickets. As little children we could cry out we were cold and he would come cover us up. (Mom said "If they are old enough to tell you they are cold, then they are old enough to pull up their own covers). Early in his marriage, when they would visit his parents home, Mom did not like the taste of their well water. She was used to well water, but not this one. So Dad would walk 1/2 mile or so each way to the spring on the property to get water for my Mom. I never knew thisuntil later in life. His family ribbed him about it. But because he loved Mom, he did it. I think it is so sweet to hear what a young man in love would do for his girl. I remember him teaching me to change the oil on a car. I would sit with him when he worked on cars, getting the tools he needed so he didn't have to come out from under the car. (My uncle just shared this weekend the he and my Dad did the same for their father). I could go on, but won't.

I have confirmed a theory as I have written this: my view of Dad has been one of a relationship and sharing life experiences. Hers is about buying things and gifts. (For which Dad said he never got thank you's except one time from one of her daughters).I suppose my love language is acts of kindness where my sister's is gift receiving (I know the definition is gift giving, but she rarely does that. She is always on the receiving end). So that may explain why our views are so different. Having the love language of gift giving is fine…just acknowledge those gifts when given and reciprocate in some way to show your love for the other parties. Discover their love language and do what shows you love them. Her tribute just shows me that she has not changed at all. It is all about her. If is not all about her, then she would try to make amends with Mom and another sister she has hurt so badly. But again, that would require admitting guilt and wrong doing.

I will forgive her, but I will not have a relationship with her or her family. I do not want to be used and I cannot stand the hypocrisy. She thinks the division was a result of her daughter's actions and my parents reactions (what happened is disputed, but I choose to believe my Mom and Dad over her daughter. They had nothing to gain by lying, whereas she did). But what my sister does not realize is that the incident was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was the culmination of many years of mistreatment. My parents finally opened their eyes to how they had been treated. They realized they were just an ATM to her. They realized that she was embarrassedby them and she would hide them from herfriends. (She told me once she resented Dad coming one weekend to do some work on her house or furniture refinishing because they were having a party. It wasn't that he would be in the way or anything;he would be busy with work while they prepared for the party. She was just ashamedof him and didn't want him around their friends. I've had multiple parties when Mom and Dad were there. I loved introducing them to my friends. Surethey can be embarrassing, but what parents aren't? And my friends loved meeting them).

I am certain she is unaware of all things she has done. (Again because she is self focused)But telling her would not change anything. That is unless she comes to me and asks for more information. If she is truly soul searching and wanting to improve herself, then she will ask for honesty. Going to someoneand giving unsolicited feedback rarely works. Maybe one day she will be ready. Until then, I am steering clear of her.