I'm not much of a blogger because I can't seem to stick with anything.  Hoping that that will all change, but who knows.  Maybe that is just who I am. 

Needless to say I am still having problems accepting this whole depression thing.  I wonder if at times it has actually brought more grief to my life and those around me to accept that this is the proper diagnosis.  I have begun to accept that I have such a feeling of hopelessness.  I certainly don't want to do that.  I have been taught to be a fighter all of my life.  But I have begun to question when is enough enough?  When do I just give up?  Or have I given up already?

In spite of fighting for everything that I have, I live in a world of chaos.  Is this normal?  Is this what I am supposed to do?  Is this what life is all about?  And finally…if this IS what it is all about, why can't I seem to handle it like the rest of the world?  What makes me different?

On one hand I think, I want someone to come and take care of ME.  To fix everything and tell me that it is going to be all right.  But on the other hand I think, what have I done to deserve that kind of a luxury. 

When I look back and see all these thoughts running through my head, I try to reassure myself that at some point the meds will kick in and that will make all the thoughts stop.  But will it?  I don't know what is normal, what will the meds help and what do I have to accept and fix for myself? 

 I have seen references to depression being called "The Black Dog".  I can definitely understand the reference.  I have had this dog laying around in the corner, occasionally it wants to be let out and I have willingly obliged.  But now it wants to go outside constantly.  But why?  You just went outside 5 minutes ago.  Here…go chase a ball…go chew on a bone…just go.  But it keeps bringing the damn ball back to me wanting to play fetch.  I try to lock it in its kennel, but it whines and howls.  Now it is starting to bark!  JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!  What happened to the days where I could just pet you and you'd curl up around my feet and be satisfied? 

My sense of reponsibility is the only thing that keeps me here right now.  If I didn't have this nagging sense of responsibility I could just so easily run away.  Run away from it all.  It is so sad…my husband, my children, my job.  Emotionally, I think I could give it all up.  But I feel responsible and that is why I don't.  It isn't because of love, I'm not sure if I am capable of love anymore. 

Ugh!  I vowed that I was going to write and not delete this blog.  But I hate to see what I have written.  It is so wrong for me to have feeling like this and once I have said it out loud or written it down it becomes true.  I don't want these feelings to be true.  This is not who I want to be.  I need to stop for now and walk away…do something else.  If you get  a chance to read this blog…please don't remember it.  I'm sure that I will come back in a few days and delete it. 

 

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 11 years ago

    It is a good thing that your wrote this blog.  Leaving these things unsaid gives these thoughts permission to poisen your entire life.  Depression is like the things you described, but it can be even worse.  It can suck all the energy out of you leaving you with no appetite or with compulsive eating.  It can keep you perpetually exhausted or throw you into hyper drive.  This can be a very devestating illness.  Unattended it can destroy the very things you would fight to the death to protect in another frame of mind.  Depression is one illness that you need to study up and down and inside out.  You do not want to go through this without any information.  The difference between this illness and othewrs is you often do not appear ill, but your world is falling apart.  Depression is bad enough to learn to cope with, without denying your thoughts or being ashamed of them.  No one can help you with depression if you are not straight with yourself about it and straight with the doctoris who can help you, IF you let them.

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