Every flippin time.

I can no longer have a conversation with my mother without it turning into some kind of argument. Every time i bring up something. no matter how small it is, it has to turn into me screaming at her trying to get a word in. she doesn't let me say anything. she will just keep repeating the same things she has already said. It's frustrating. Even if what i say is true and she knows it.

The thing is. she doesn't know what i know. she does not know what i know about her own family. My father is right about my brother. he does smoke pot, he's also done other drugs in the past. She is not right about him wanting to drink. He hates people that drink. that is why he cannot stand my father, even thought he has not consumed alcohol in almost to years. It is me the one that will probably end up drunk over the holidays. History is not just repeating on only my brother, but in me as well. No i don't do drugs often. but if they are available i will. I do not drink often. but if alcohol is available i will drink but not to the point of being drunk. unlike my father. i do know my limit. She thinks i have now learned my lesson. but the truth is. it is still questionable. I will probably end up with a guy that only wants sex again. Her husband never wants to get married by church. and now even less that he knows she has medical problems. If anything were to happen (and i hope nothing will for a long time to come). he would leave both my brother and i to fend for our selves while he tries to find another naive woman. She herself is indecisive about what is to come. She can no longer control us anymore. not thatshe had much control over my father and brother. Her depression is growing but she doesn't want to face it. she doesn't want to show that she is depressed when it only obvious. She does not want to admit to even herself that she has depression. She hates that i am getting stronger and now finding my own way.

She is strong and stubborn. i'll give her that. but she is weakening. if i try to help. she will just push me away. so i just leave her be.

sometimes i think i'm to educated to have a decent conversation with most of the older family members. even those who are only to to three years younger than me. and they are more intelligent that i am.

why must i dumb myself down just to have the SIMPLEST of conversations.

Sometimes i even feel that they make fun of me because of the knowledge i have. actually they have before. i can tell when i have said something to advanced for them by the way they give me an empty stare afterwards. i can tell that when i leave they make fun of me because of it. they make me feel like a freak.

wow. my own family makes me feel like a freak. family. the people that are supposed to love you and support you no matter what. and accept you for who you are and what you choose to be.

and then my parents dare to ask me why i was sitting alone and not talking to anyone at the party, gathering, visit.

i don't know any more.