I have an appointment with my current therapist tomorrow. I say "current" because I feel I need a new start with someone else. I am so afraid to be honest with her because the first visit landed me in the hospital. How can I get past this and make the $55 visits worthwhile?? I really am beginning to think a Christian-based counselor isn't for me. But the odd thing is I consider myself a Christian (maybe not when I am not at the bottoma deep emotional pit ie now and have been for the past week). I can't help but wish I could see the psychologist I had in Florida. He was awesome, so laid back and very helpful. Ha wishing, what has that ever gotten me? Painful letdowns and false hopes. I can't recall the last time a "wish" has come true. Let's see I have wished for: someone who accepted me as I am despite my depression (family doesn't count in my mind, they are stuck with me), some damn hope or reason why I wake up most days and wish it away because of the emotional pain and toil.
I have contacted a few psychologists and left messages. I hope they get back with me this week. I know starting over with a new therapist is kind of a pain but I don't care. I honestly feel I am wasting money every time I see my current therapist…I just can't be 100% honest with her.
I wish I could get over my fears about driving, being on my own and being financially stable. I would give anything to go back just four years. Yeah it was a painful time, with my grandma Jean and all, but I seriously need to re-due the past few years. I really feel as the days pass, I grow more depressed and my self-loathing increases. I wonder if I will be pushed over the edge or to the point of no return (like mauling my body and soul). I am trying my best to "hold on" at my psychiatrist's request so as to give the new medications a chance to work. But I think I have so muchdoubt and disbelief that they will make a difference.
I managed to walk a bit today but man was it a chore. It was just a 20 minute walk but man I feel like I've walked a few miles. Now all I want to do is sleep and get lost in a fictional paradise. Fat chance.