Depression. This is it. I beat it “this time” or it beats me. The only way I can think of how to do that is to start being honest with myself. In doing so, I will also be honest with you, the reader.Depression has always been a part of me. It used to be a part of me I was somewhat proud of because, at the time–for a long time, actually–, I had a handle on it. It didn't effect the way I lived. I didn't see the ways it effected my life, that is. So depression was a non-issue. Today, it was the reason I went home “sick” from my job. Tomorrow, it will be the reason I will fight to stay at my desk another five minutes at a time as I stare at the clock on my computer screen.This is how it has manifested itself this time. This “flare up.” I can't bring myself to do my job or be part of almost any social situation, including talking to my mother on the phone or going to the grocery store. What I want to do most of the day is smoke pot and watch television or play video games. That's what a lot of people would prefer to do over responsible things like earning a steady paycheck and providing food for themselves on a regular basis, but they have something (a sense of purpose, maybe) that tells them to get up in the morning and keep their job and maybe even try to like it a little. I don't have that anymore.Part of it seems like a sense of entitlement, like I deserve some time off from the pressures of life. I'm not so naïve as to think that I'm the only one in the world to think this way, but I am separated from the masses by the fact that my thoughts create action. I give in to it. I barely even try to resist it anymore.I feel two forces inside me pulling me in opposite directions. One path leads to another month or so of kicking around reasons in my head as to why I can't make this whole “contributing citizen” thing work and ultimately end up killing myself. The other leads to discovery, a quiet and calculated understanding of myself, and a decision that leads to a more fulfilling present and future, and life.Obviously, I want the second one the most. I would be lying if I said I didn't find the first path appealing most of the time, though.I try to motivate myself all the time, “keep going, you can do this,” “focus on the good things,” “you can be so successful if you want to be.”If depression could be solved with happy thoughts, than comedians would make a lot more money.More later…


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