I don't get on here and blog often… I don't know if anyone reads them. I don't know what response I want or am looking for. I'm just here, floating around in cyber space, searching for where I fit in… My last blog was in a time of near desperation. I was scared and lonely, hurt and feeling betrayed by friends and family, my own mind and body. Is this the place to share the inner most thoughts of my day? Will you understand? This blog comes at a much better place, where life is bearable again, I'm gaining control of self, and with that control, the environment around me is constantly shifting.
I started college, part time for this semester. I was nervous, I've been out of school for almost 9 years. So far I've scored well, have an A+ in one class and an A in the other, the best marks I have ever gotten since maybe first grade when life was simple… One of my classes is about wellness in life, what affects us, what part we play in the world and our semester long project is about behavior change. Now, I should start at the beginning.
I've always struggled with my weight, since I was very young. I had a baby, gained 71 pounds. She's 5 and I lost some, gained some and settled around 240. I "carry it well" according to other people though that makes me angry, because I don't feel that at this weight I could EVER carry it well. I'm fat, and it makes me unhappy. So, a year ago I quit smoking. 2013 was a very difficult and emotional year, and I smoked pot a lot to allow myself so quiet and sleep. Along with that, I wanted to eat allll the time. So, I gained weight.
About a week before my class, I ran out of pot and said ok, I'm done, not going to get more and I haven't. With that, the junk food in my house was dispersed to friends or wherever I could get rid of it without eating it or throwing it away. I unintentionally started the Paleolithic Diet, I was just counting calories and cutting out what I knew was bad for me and now that I've read the diet, that's essentially what I'm doing. I bought a rowing machine, and once I really get into the swing of dieting, will start a daily workout, with a softer workout on weekends, just a walk with friends and my daughter to keep moving and keep the endorphins flowing, but to give myself a break from a more rigorous routine.
When I started this journey about a month ago, I weighed 265 pounds. I should be less than 160. About a month later I've lost 18 pounds. I can fit into pants I haven't been able to wear in 6+ months. I can see a difference when I look in the mirror. People are noticing. And I feel absolutely amazing. My goal weight is 170, because I feel like I'd be happy at that point and it allows for the muscle that I'll build back up, and it's not unreasonable which will make it more attainable.
What was the point in sharing? I don't know. I'm proud, I never thought I could get here. Even if no one reads this, I just felt the need to get it out of my head…..
