many when looking at me think i am so happy that my life is amazing but thats because there not me all i feel is pain and for some reason no matter how good my day i end up in the shower laid on the bathtub floor crying my eyes out with the water hitting me ive been classified with disorders my hole life from middle child syndrome to personality disorder to intermidiate explosive anger disorder to clynical deppression to bi polar im so angry and i dont know why im so sad even around so many people i always felt diffrent i never felt apart of something i never felt like i belonged anywhere i constantly changed my look my personality to try to fit in i never did friends say they dont get me i dont talk to them they dont understand me no one understands that i think about death all the time that i day dream 24/7 of a better life the life i want i dont feel like i am"crazy" because the things i think about i feel everyone would think about if they slowed down my hole life ive craved love ive gone from girls to boys searching for love and i found many ppl who have loved me and i love them to i think i dont know what love is how to show it im clingy because i fear of losing the ones i love i have never had anyone in my life more then 3 months including famliy ive been in community residences and residentials and behavioral health centers my hole life ppl say i have to forget but its not my past that makes me sad yea ive been through alot but i am ok with that its my future i hate what i dont know i dont know if the one i love will stay i dont know if ill be happy i dont know anything which brings me to a world of pain because im so scared of my future if only i knew everything i wouldnt be so sad because i would know my boyfriend hes amazing but we fight all the time he doesnt understand why i always fuss about him leaving he loves me i know but when we argue i always ask if hewants me to leave he gets so upset because i always say ill leave i dont want to leave but i dont want to get so in to the love that i get hurt sometimes i feel amazing i feel sexy but other times i feel ugly horrid i hate myself i ask why why am i like this why me what did i do to be this way i cant get myself to trust anyone i dont know how to love i dont know why i am here what my purpose is i am very smart but i hate school i hate all the kids because they all look so happy so full of life which just reminds me how horrid my life is i have so many planes for my life so many things i want to do so much talent but i can never do anything with these feelings and thoughts i recently started smoking weed i smoke everyday not because i think its cool honestly i would rather smoke by myself when im high its like im in a dream i am free i dont have to worry about everyone juding i dont care about anything i can think freely i can speak freely i can do all the things i could never when im not high i know smoking and drinking is bad for your health but the pain i feel when im not high or drunk is bad for my soul my spirit my mind and body smoking and drinking puts all the pain on pause im diffrent im weird why am i here why