A friend asked me today why do I feel sorry for myself with all my pain instead of giving myself compassion and empathy like I would another person?  I don't know…..I don't know how….each morning when I wake up I tell myself before I get out of the bed that today will be different, there won't be as much pain and I can and will do the things I need and want to do around the house…..that's until I get out of bed….I put my feet on the floor and instantly the pain shoots thru my ankles then up, up, up until I feel it in my neck then it all radiates to arms, fingers, feet and toes.  The first few steps I take I have to hold on to something till I can get my cane and then I go to wherever it is I need to go.   I know that in an hour the baby will be here to watch and then about an hour after that Landon will be up and I'll  have two babies here all day….how will I manage?  I make myself, I force myself and then when I have a time to sit like when I feed the baby I think why can't this pain ease up? why don't the meds do  more?  is there anymore meds I could take?  I feel bad for myself, sorry for myself but give myself compassion and empathy?  I've never even thought about it….the depression takes over in the morning while I'm waiting for the baby to come.  I sit on the couch to let the pain ease up and just sink into that hole where my emotions are numb and I think that's not fair because then I don't feel as much as I should for my babies.  by the time the little one leaves and Landon is in bed I come to sit and talk in the DT chatroom knowing that if I can talk to anyone or everyone my mind will be distracted until I have to go to bed taking muscle relaxers, pain meds, ambien to sleep…I turn on my relaxation CD of the ocean and soft musice and then I get into bed and hold my breath until the pain eases a little bit and then a little more until I can fall asleep then tomorrow I start all over again praying it will be different.

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