I am writing this blog because I really need to let out my feelings and things I am going through at the moment. You don't need to comment or anything but I wouldn't be against it 🙂
Now to the point. If you read any of my old blogs you would know that I was pretty depressed and I self harmed and such. Well, good thing is that I don't feel depressed anymore ^^. Bad thing is that I feel more anxious than before :/
I started to have panic attacks since last summer and my anxiety is just getting worse and worse. I have to take pills for fear of dark and sometimes they don't even help since I can't calm down and I start to panic a lot, causingme to call my mum to come into my room because I can't calm down without her.
Well, and there goes what is the main trigger of my anxiety at the moment, I think – once the summer holidays end, there will be a lot of things to do. Car, german, english, math, guitar lessons plus english certificate exam next may and also the school and few subjects that are causing me problems (due to my dyscalculia). And I am panicking here. It's just a lot for me and I am breaking down almost every evening because of that and I am afraid that one day, I will break down and it will make me want to kill myself.
Impossible? No. I started to feel suicidal again after like half a year and I was close to killing myself twice this week. And believe me, I am scared shitless that I am going to do something.
Also, I started to self harm more often. I can't cut myself due the hot weather and swimming classes at school so I am punching myself, causing bruises on my skin. It calms me down whenever I am thinking about the things that are going to come. It calms me down whenever I feel overhelmed.
I told my mum that I don't know how I will handle all of that and she just said 'You will'. She is an amazing mum, the best I could wish for but I just don't believe her in this. I am scared that I won't.
My psychologist is not working until the end of the summer holidays so I can't tell her anything. And that's the next thing- I don't want to tell her what's going on until I am 18, which is in January. I have my own reason for that and it's that if she is going to send me somewhere, I can't afford to spend the time somewhere else because all of those upcoming events. Also, I don't my mum to spend the money on me getting a therapy and paying for me to stay at the mental hospital. I'll be honest with you, I don't really know how much you can do at the psychologist when you are 18 but I think that it would be my own decision if I want to go somewhere or not. So I rather keep things in secret and once it's safe, I will tell here everything.
I am just really afraid that I will kill myself. I wasn't feeling suicidal for quite a long time and suddenly I almost reached for my pills so I could kill myself twice during this week. I won't stop self harming. I will make that clear because at the moment it's the only thing that calms me down. But I am scared. And I know what to do I just can't do it. My mom will pay a lot of money for my stuff anyway so I can't add her even more stress.
So long story short – I am suddenly suicidal again, I self harm more often and I am anxious as fuck.
Thank you for reading this and you can comment if you want but you don't have to if you don't have anything to say, I won't blame you 🙂 I hope everything is going good for you and have a good rest of the day.