I feel I am going crazy of all the thoughts in my head. There is so much I need to do to get better. But I don’t know the reason why I should get better. Most people have a motivation like kids, partners, friends, family, career etc. But I don’t know where my place is. Like I said before I am confused about myself and this world. I don’t know what to believe anymore.
I am very concerned about my health. I have let myself go real bad and I am 23 years old but the thing is I didn’t except me still being alive. Now that I realise what I have done with myself, all the hurt not just others but I did to myself I’m afraid of what is next. It’s still a double feeling of I want to live and I want to die. I was very disgust of myself today after I thought what the pathologist would think of myself. Such a fool I am. Why would I be worried about that? Is there something wrong with me? I feel I am losing my mind.
I made a facebook acount, I heard the games are a good distraction and wanted to see how the people I know from highschool are doing. I feel so ashamed. I want to connect with them, I thought atleast one of them cared about me at some time but they all moved on with their lives and don’t even wonder how I’m doing. So now I’m on the offline status all the time because I dont know what I can answer when they ask me how I am doing and what I have done in all this time. They have grown so much, they have made something out of their lifes. What is wrong with me that I can’t do that too??
I really want to change my life but I have no motivation. I try to do it everyday but I always end up in the wrong place or making the wrong decisions. Somebody online told me once I should just kill myself because my excistent is nonexistent. That is not an option for me now, not where I live. Doing that will cause alot of problems to others so I guess now is not the right time. I’ll try to find a motivation, a path I want for myself, I want to set goals but I’m so confused about everything. Nobody can help me, I have to get myself out of this hole I digged. But how?