I’ve been wondering if I am capable of having a happy relationship. I’m 19, so I know I’m still young and naive, but I’ve managed to screw up so much in relationships so far. They are mostly painful to me. I always seem to drive the person away, and I feel so bad because that’s exactly what I obsess over. I think about it nonstop. I really don’t think there is anyone out there who would understand me, put up with me. I get so obsessed it makes me not to even try anymore, it’s not worth it. I don’t want to live like that. Being in a relationship is supposed to be a wonderful thing, and I consistently ruin it. It seems like it will be like this forever.
When I was in High School I dated one girl, for a day, I just couldn’t handle it. It wasn’t right of me to treat her like that, surely she didn’t understand that it wasn’t her. I dropped out of High School in 10th grade because frankly, I was extremely self conscious and miserable. I had a relationship not long after that, which brought on one of the worst periods of stress and anxiety in my life. I had to end it.
My next relationship was short lived, she just got sick of my shyness, and I think I was too nice to her, I think she perceived it as me being weak. I was incredibly afraid of being intimate, even a kiss. I gave her money a lot, anything she asked for I would do. I’m so stupid I lended her my car, even after it was evident we weren’t together. I moved to live with my dad about 8 months ago, because my mom was getting married again and they didn’t want me to live with them. So she said he car was a gas hog so without even thinking, like usual, I offered to lend her my car when I moved. At the time I thought I would be coming back in 6 months or so, so I told her I’d get it back then. I didn’t have a way to pick up my last two paychecks at my job, so I asked her to deposit them in the bank for me, I don’t know why I did this, and won’t do it again. When I got to HI I checked my atm everyday, never was the money there. So I called her, she wouldn’t answer for a week or so, then I finally got her. She said she had deposited them, and to call the bank. Well after another week of trying to call the bank, I talked to her and she finally said she cashed them. She said it was for her bills, even though she lived with her mom, don’t really understand that one. I didn’t even get mad though, I wish I had but I said it was O.K. I told everyone else I had got mad and all that but I never did. I haven’t even called her again.
It’s obvious I’m to blame for this. If I hadn’t constantly worried about how I looked, what I said, if I didn’t flick the lights on twice, or stand up 4 times for no reason, then it wouldn’t have turned out like this. But it was supposed to be the other way around. It seems like it all ends in an ironic cycle. Even now I am worrying what the person who reads this is thinking. I can’t think of something to type without analyzing it from 20 different perspectives first. It’s supposed to be MY perspective, or else this was pointless, right?