I’m sitting here with my thought whirling more than usual once again. I just got off of the phone with my Mother after having a bit of a freak out and finally in the heat of frenzy explaining to her with the best of my ablility what it’s like to have this thing. I said, some people are afraid of hights, so they just don’t climb a mounatin or go up a ladder, some people don’t like flying, so they don’t go away anywhere far. I can’t avid what I fear, sickeness and sick people, no matter where I go and what I do I will forever at one point or an other be faced with this issue head on. My roommate is sick and I think that this time I’m really not making it up in my head. I tried to relax myself and find out the facts from her, like is she going to get her peroid/stress (because when she gets bent out of shape she throws up, which is excatly what I am afraid of), but she seems pretty sick to me.
Gid, why can’t I just get over/away from this. My Mother proceded to almost yell at me, I don’t understand….this is my fault….if I had though more postivly and been in a better mood when you were a child this could have been avoided….I knew I never sent you away to school….etc. To which I responded, you could have been in a state of glee my whole childhood and it wouldn’t have made one bit of a difference. This is the way that my brain is made, it’s my chemical make-up and nothing I can do/you can do will change that fact. That is the thing that truly scares me the most, is that it will never change and it will be the monkey on my back that I will have to deal with in one way or an other for the rest of my life. I hate being this way sometimes.