I don't know what I want to say, but I want to say something. Don't you hate it when people do that? Write to say nothing? 😛 I am just so sick of the anxiety. I want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world.
Today I was taking a shower at my friends' place 'cause our plumbing is messed up–again. I started crying, missing my cat. I'm sick of missing her–she's supposed to be here. I started contemplating, "I wonder what I could kill myself with in here…." But I know I don't want to kill myself. But of course, the thought comes into my head, and I start thinking, "What if I actually do it? What if I'm really serious?" blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, I am sick of the anxiety. I am tired of havingto stop in what I'm doing because my anxiety level is getting too high and I need to calm myself down. I am tired of mornings where I have to sit down and rock back and forth and hit my head against something and whine/whimper just to keep myself from going mad. Oh, wait, maybe I'm already mad; that sure sounds crazy.
I am sick of feeling guilty and like I'm letting my friends down because I can't call them or go out with them places, etc. I'm sorry; there's only so much I can take before the obsessions start taking over. I feel horribly guilty because I have a friend who is currently in the hospital because of complications with her pregnancy and has to stay in bed rest until delivery. I feel guilty because I can't go visit her. Why? Frankly, she makes me nervous. I don't really know how to explain it. She is constantly jumping onto new fads of different "healthful" diets, etc. I never know what she can and cannot eat because of this. I don't think there's much too these things anyway, so I'm often afraid I'm going to blurt out something about it being stupid or something. Then, she is a bit of a germ freak. I always feel like I must not be clean enough to be in her house or to touch her son or… I know she loves me and doesn't judge me; she's an awesome woman! But she still makes me nervous. I just don't get the things she does in so many ways. Like the fact that she's naming her son a name that is ONE letter off of her first son's name! To me that is just insane. But of course, that's just me–well, and some other people I know. Obviously, she can do whatever she wants when it comes to naming her kids. Any-hoo…
Even if it weren't this particular friend, I would still have trouble going anywhere out of the norm. I have anxiety attacks coming just leaving home for routine things often. How do I explain that to people? Especially when I'm so scared to tell them anything? I want them to understand that it's not that I don't want to spend time with them; it's that my OCD makes it very hard for me to.