So many of you know that my bf and I both struggle with OCD. His is a lot more relationship focused and mine is more irrational fears and social situation related (self confidence issues creating OCD thoughts with other people) Well I have not been on in a long time because I moved and have been traveling a lot with my bf for the holidays. Meeting his family and things. Well things have not gotten better. Just worse.  The problem from my angle is that our relationship feels like a one way street. I am always taking care of him and then alone with my own problems. It got so bad in Chicago one night on our trip after i helped him through a really intense 2 hour panic and then I was so exaughsted (as I always am after those) that i broke down into the same state and he just asked what was wrong and when I didnt answer he just went to sleep. So feeling the most angry and alone I have ever felt I finally crossed the line I have never crossed and hurt myself.  That is not the main point of this blog though. The main point is every day all day I feel like I am constantly trying to help him get through the day and being so strong myself but every once in a while like at night ill need some help and he cant give it. I am at the point now of such deep sensitization that I can not even get myself to go get the help I need. I cant even get the energy to pull myself out of the pit that is eating all my energy. Does that make sense? Im only 19. How do I get my life back on track without totaling his? How do i get the strength to go get that job so I can live on my own or with a roommate again? because right now all of that seems like too much. Im afraid of the people I might work with. I am now even afraid to go to the store because I feel so different from other people. Like by looking at me they can see all the shame and sadness and confusion and bewilderment I am going through. I have lost my sense of reality, I constantly feel like i am going insane and that I have lost my personality. I feel like im trapped in a pitch black box with no exit. I know so many of you understand. Any advice?