I have been going to physical therapy for a couple of back issues. Today, I got a headache which I figure is probably related to a sciatic nerve issue. I have spent the day ruminating over what happened to a girl I knew who died of an embolism. So, today the back of my mind is wondering if I am going to die from this headache. Someone at work was talking about the procedures to follow if someone needs to go the hospital. My boss made a comment that if I were to fall unconscious in the floor only a manager can take me to the hospital. If they can't then am bulance would have to do it.
It made me uncomfortable that she used me as an example. Being irrational, I worried that she had somehow doomed me to an E.R. visit. So, all day I have been paying extreme attention to any negative feelings body has. Also, someone I work with had to leave immediately from work due to an emergency regarding his daughter. So, on top of what I was already afraid of, I started thinking of one of my children or husband dying. That put me in a tailspin.
Death is a major fear for me. I know a lot of this is related to almost losing my sister to Lyme's Disease when she was 5. My mom became a different person after that. Very afraid of anything hurting us. She was extremely over protective. Any time we had any symptoms roughly relating to Lyme's Disease she would assume we were dying of a tick bite. My sister was no longer allowed to play in the grass. Mom rarely let us outside. I really feel her anxiety has contributed to my OCD. I fight every day to not become her and to let my children experience life to the fullest. Funny, how one thought can ramble on into something completely unrelated.