i kind of feel uh.. well, usually im numb, but when im feeling a bit better, which isnt often, ill realize things. ill realize how crazy everything is. and how i have like no coping skills just with everyday life so my mind uses ocd to cope. this is just how i feel right now. i guess i got the ocd after i became numb, to somehow cope with the numbness. and feeling like this isnt reality. i feel like im not really here because of the numbness. and i think they feed off each other.

my psychiatrist told me that if u overdo ocd it can make things feel dulled down. so like, i do ocd to kind of cope with the numbness and lack of control in my life, but when i do ocd usually it makes things even more numb. so it sucks.

i cant think. like, i just dont think like how i used to. i just… dont really think usually just daydream. and that takes me even further away from reality. the therapist calls it being up in my head. but sometimes its not even that, like ill be just not daydreaming just seeing wherever i am but feeling still like im not fully there.

very detached from my body too. usuallly odont feel like im in my body. like ill move my hands but i dont FEEL it. it doesnt seem like me. i dont expect anyone to get any of this i just wanna write this

this has been going on for far too long. like 3 years now. and i dont feel like im at a breaking point because i dont thnk there is a breaking point, just a plateau. in this case. a rocky plateau. not really going uphill or downhill just continueing to struggle on and on. but i say rocky because sometimes i might cry and thatl help things for a little while. but its hard to cry because of the numbness. idk. maybe iv already reached a breaking point now im just running on ocd.  because i feel like ocd rules my behavior. i dont feel like i have any control over it. if i dont do ocd then i get even more detached and out of it feeling. idk just needed to write this down