I can’t begin to express how very greatful I am to have this site as an outlet. JUST KNOWING that I am not alone in what can feel like sheer hell sometimes is comforting. This past week I have felt absolutely out of my mind. I have Pure-O and the bad thoughts have turned to myself once again. I have been almost in a mania, trying to look as pulled together for my family as I possibly can. They are the most precious people to me in the world and being pregnant with this blessing and then going through all of this again is causing me a terror of guilt. Like "how can someone so blessed be so afraid of what tomorrow may bring?". I go through these thoughts of "they deserve better than this, a better wife, a better mother, than someone who is falling apart at the seams. And then I feel terrible once again to have degrated myself into that thought process. Me not being around with them would be utterly devistaing because I am THEIR everything. It’s a vicious cycle. I want to feel in control again, I want to feel my self worth, I want to look forward to not only tomorrow but every day in a long long future. I am out of my mind feeling overwhelmed with the OCD thoughts of "can I really handle being OCD like this for another long 50 years?", "Would it ever come down to me losing it so bad I got suicidal?". If you have read my previous blogs you’ll know that my OCD attacks in my that way and has made that a new fear. They are all so stupid and not worth my time, and yet this disorder forces me to sift through it to "rationalize" everything which i’m sure is only making it worse. I need a friend who knows how to deal with this, I cannot find a therpaist for the life of me and I need an outlet and some POSITIVE words. I know this too shall pass, like it always does, but I would love it the relief came sooner than later. Thanks for listening, Stay strong friends.