Lately, I've been feeling like I'm living on edge. Each step I take feel like it's on a paper-thin glass floor. My senses survey each and every environment, while OCD hides within each one, loading up and waiting to fire off a few endless rounds at me.
Within a split second, the IM window on this site feels like it is staring at me like an enemy in a western duel standing 10 paces in front of me on the glass floor. OCD has infected the soul of the IM window, but not the people sending the IM's. It says "One chance….do the compulsion perfect before it blinks again…your future is spared." It makes it feel like it's the most important compulsion ever, yet it's so idiodic.
As I sit here in my room, I hear a neighbors car stereo down the street. My mind and ears survey the sounds and finds a pattern. Instantly, OCD then sends the general feeling of a hopeless future, and a way out… "Do this compulsion, this amount of times, before the beat pattern starts over again…and your hopelessness will be taken away. You have once chance."
I can be sitting on the couch attempting to watch television, then the sudden feeling of doom shows up, OCD sets the trap again…"Think of this string of thoughts 23 times, making sure it feels right on the last one, before the screen changes…or your hopes and dreams are dead…out of your grasp forever, gone with the last screen."
It seems to happen on the fly, within a split second now. I can be thinking of something completely different, then OCD interrupts with some ridiculous anticipation-based challenge. During the moment, it feels like the intrusive thoughts and falsely triggered feelings and emotions will last forever. I've had OCD and have been doing compulsions for so long, it feels like a natrual reaction to respond. It's ridiculous. I spend so much time and energy focusing on how to "protect" my hopes, goals and dreams that I'm actually preventing myself from living and accomplishing them. It's like fighting against your worst fears while actually gravitating towards them. OCD blinds you from that fact that you're not living by making you feel like youre preventing the death of things important to you. It's all smoke and mirrors. I don't want to let all this illogical shit to keep getting stronger.
OCD seems to always finds a way to make us feel like it is holding something important hostage, and it will keep doing so as long as we keep paying the ransom and doing the compulsions. The only thing being held hostage is us, by our own brains. The door to freedom is always open, yet I feel like I spend all my time looking down at the glass floor, worried about falling through instead of just walking through the door…a certain number of times.