This trip has been brutal for my OCD. My god. I'm just like… "GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!" I feel bad because these people are my family. But honestly… I'm ready to be back home. It's just like panic attack after panic attack after panic attack. Not to mention I'm just so damn irritable. I want to be left alone. But people obviously can't see that. And they feel the need to continue to invade my space. Anywhere I go, there is someone here. I really hate my hermit lifestyle. But this is too much to be honest. I was pretty much forced into this trip. I wasn't ready for a big step like that. I had to put off my CBT for a week. AND I JUST STARTED IT, I was doing so well with it too. I figure the way I see it is, I have to take baby steps in my recovery. Rather than just taking huge leaps and free falling hoping that I can land on my feet. As I sit here surrounded by people my irritation lever increases and everytime someone decides to speak to me.. I lash out. I feel badly for my rudeness. But I honestly can't help it. I can't exactly tell people I WANT TO BE ALONE. Because we didn't make this 2 day trip from Montana to Oklahoma just so I could isolate myself. Part of me realizes that this restricted life I live isn't doing me any good what so ever. But it's like… What else do I do? I'm doing the best I can and it doesn't seem that that's good enough for anyone. I try to explain to them that this is one of the hardest things I will do with my life. And that I'm doing everything I can to win my life back, but they just expect me to jump right into shit. And I'm like, "I know you don't understand what I go through and what I struggle with, but I need you to know that taking a big leap will get me no where. I need to start small ." Then it comes down to the whole "Job/College" discussion. Then that's when the drama begins. People telling me that I'll never get better or that I'll never have a job. On a seperate note. Is it that hard to just get some alone time? Just like an hour to myself. Please people… Read my body language understand that I'm incredibly irritated and ready to be alone. That's how I relax. I know we all relax differently. But I relax by being alone and keeping to myself. I'm so tired of "family" time. Does that make me a bad person? Shouldn't I want to be with my family and love being with them and stuff? Don't get me wrong. It's okay for a little while. But I mean.. come on. Enough is enough. It's time for me to hide and watch tv, maybe talk to a couple friends so I can unwind. But I can't have that. My mother just tells me to just go into another room… I'm like this isn't going to help. I want to unwind by myself.. MY WAY. Not a way that I have to do because I have to adjust to everyone elses schedual. I know everyone shouldn't adjust to mine. I guess I don't know really what I'm going on about. I'm just ready for alone time… home time maybe. I really hope this crap is over soon.