So when I saw that I was listed as the second to top blogger, I thought that was cool; I'm up there with all the other big-time bloggers. haha But I've been listed as the top blogger for several days now. So now it makes me start thinking maybe I'm writing way too much and bombarding people with blogs, which means they're going to stop reading my blogs because there are too many and they're too long…. *sigh* One of my many silly worries.

I've been doing pretty well keeping my anxiety under control for several weeks now, except for a few (or several) minorish incidents. But then today I had a panic attack. Just started breathing in shallow rapid breaths, heart beating fast, couldn't think…. Wanted to scream and run around crazily, tear my hair out…. When I started writing in my journal, I had to "correct" almost everything I wrote, so it took me forever to even get down a few sentences. If a letter doesn't look right or the letters are too close to each other, etc. I have to "fix" them, and sometimes just end up scribbling them out and writing the word again. That stresses me out enough that I often have to do that twice with the same word. Oh, I HATE that! On a good day, I don't have to do that much, but on days like today…. I wanted to just break down crying, but for some reason the tears and sobs wouldn't come. Maybe I just feel too worn down to cry.

Where is this anxiety coming from? Probably mostly from this: I routinely go over to my friends' house every Thursday. Now I'm going to start going over on Tuesday instead, because my friend is starting a new job and would like me there on her busiest day so she doesn't have to worry about her mom (she's in her 70s). That's no big deal to me; I love helping her out and I love spending time with her mom–that's what I do when I go there on Thursdays. haha She will also be paying me to do some minor cleaning (mopping, vacuuming, etc.). This, too, is no big deal because we have had this arrangement in the past; I know exactly what to do and it doesn't usually take me very long; it's easy.

But just the change from Thursday to Wednesday I think is what's making me so anxious (on top of the constant anxiety that's always with me, of course). It's stupid! I'll still have 3 days in a row each week when I can stay home, just like before. I go over to my friends' place all the time; I feel very comfortable with them, so it's not like it will take much preperation to go. I finally even opened up to my friend about my anxiety (in minor detail) recently, and she told me that if there's ever any time I'm having too much anxiety, to just call and say I'm not coming and it will be fine. She's so sweet and understanding.

*Sigh* I know everything will be fine. Why do my emotions have to go crazy without my consent???!!!! It gets exhausting taking deep breaths because sometimes if I don't remind myself to, I'll start breathing shallowly and rapidly again or even catch myself holding my breath.

And now I'm finally making myself do something useful and it's driving me crazy. Stupid computer!!!! I try to save my pictures to disk and the disks do stupid things like say that there's not enough room on them when there is!!!! So fed up!