i tried to write last night, but with all the frustration, anxiety and stress levels, my hands had other ideas…       i’ve had a few decent weeks, lately–for the most part, anyway.  i suppose it was destined to happen, sooner or later? Anyway, here goes….

As several of you are aware, my current partner is a recovering alcoholic/addict.  Quite a bit of the time, his behaviors and overall outlook on life help me to possibly understand what may’ve been going on with my daughter, Shelby, before 15 Feb 2017, since she was definitely in a bad place with her addiction.  And, i’ll be the first to say i had no clue about addiction, until i stopped believing the facade that addictions are definitively by choice, as in:  “just say no!”–and all’s well with the world; or “they chose to screw their lives up and families over.”  Regardless of anyone’s beliefs, it is definitely a disease that is at the forefront of a great deal of the world’s problems.  i don’t know anyone who hasn’t been affected by it.   *Sorry for rambling.*                                                                                                                                                                   Yesterday, i placed an online order for some coffees and a couple other items.  Since we tend to buy coffee every month, or more often, and the ‘deal’ was really a good buy–in my sincere opinion–i went ahead and confirmed the order.  (This was the first online order i’d made in close to a year, and amounted to less than $27, in total:  24 oz canister + 30.5 oz canister + downy liquid fabric softener + 35.3 oz canister of non-dairy coffee creamer = $19.75 + $5.99 s&h + .78 tax = $26.52.)  OK, i’d mentioned my desire to purchase some coffee to Marty that i wanted us to at least purchase the coffees, since $5.95 is a very good deal for that size of canisters for brand-named coffee, earlier in the week, since yesterday was the last day of the sale.  So, i placed this order for delivery.   OK….  i didn’t think about ‘telling’ him, right then, since he was watching television and laying down,  at the time.  But, i did NOT set out to orchestrate some sort of plan to spend ‘his money,’ either.  We have a joint account–for more than a year now.  And, i didn’t see anything wrong with what i’d done, until i told him i’d placed the order.  In hindsight, sure, i should’ve told him before i confirmed/placed the order, i suppose.  But, i didn’t think it was such a big deal, since it’s for both of us–he drinks as much or more coffee than i do…….  As soon as i told him i’d placed the order, he blew a gasket.  He got up from the bed, pretty angrily, and simply let me have it–both barrels–which then led to him hitting walls and slamming doors and continuing to speak in a very raised tone, cursing, etc.  Initially, i tried to keep a degree of calmness, but after all the yelling and slamming, i couldn’t take but so much–i’m already a pretty jumpy/easily-startled person.  So, i stepped over to him and raised my voice, right in his face, and walked away (actually, went in the bathroom to take a shower), while he continued…. *sigh  Yes, i know this is not the healthiest behavior.             His main complaint:  that i didn’t apologize for spending more than $5 w/o telling him beforehand….  Let’s look at this for a minute:  in the past year, he’s purchased drink mixes (roughly $36) and hydroxycut (for himself, which was about $10)–and this is just two i was unaware of, until he got home w/them–plus, the $1K+ i’m still paying for his online class, that he’s still not finished; as well as the monthly payments for him to use a tanning bed–which he only used once or twice–again, i didn’t know about it, until he came home and told me; etc…..  i feel like i’ve spent so much on him and whatever he’s wanted, as well as selling almost everything i owned that was worth any cash value, and even more so on credit—*sigh–for what?  to be treated like that???  Then, he had the audacity to accuse me of lying, as well as orchestrating the entire thing!  i don’t get it!!!!!  WTF did i do to deserve this kind of treatment????

After we talked, briefly, he went ahead and fell asleep–since he was supposed to go to work this morning.  And, of course, that was the first/only thing he had to talk about this morning, before he left for work–what i’d done…..Ya know, i’ve gone to the food bank at least 5 times, this year–mainly since our food levels get so low, and i really don’t get enough for both of us, to begin with.  But, i am grateful for what i do get–please don’t misunderstand me.  It has helped out a LOT this year, especially when Marty went through his job-hopping stage…..  Anyway, that’s about the sum of my rant, for now.  i don’t like feeling like this:  uncertain, stressed and constantly frustrated; on top of waiting for the ‘other shoe to drop.’  So, if you feel enlightened, feel free to share……..  please.

 

 

 

 

 

2 Comments
  1. garfunkal 11 months ago

    wow delane, how long you been with this guy? recovering or not, you deserve to be treated with some love and respect from him and you’re not getting that. how much clean and sober time does he have up? What you are enduring is emotional, financial and even physical abuse with him punching walls and carrying on. I had a partner who would do that , punch everything around me but not me. Later on when I got away from him and went to a womens refuge, they said my face would definitely have been next. It escalates. Please don’t put up with this anymore, you are worthy of something better believe me. You cannot help him or save him, I don’t know your reasons for continuing to stay. Do yourself a favour and get the hell out asap. xx

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    delane1 11 months ago

    Hi garfunkal. i appreciate the input.
    i’ve been living with him since July 24, 2018.
    His sobriety date is 23 March 2015….so, next month marks 5 yrs.
    We had another ‘spat’–much like this one–in the last week. *sigh i do have options, when/if things get to that point…. He was so agitated, he threw his earbuds at me, and they hit my face—no, not the worst thing he could’ve done, but with his boiling anger…. i’ve made an agreement with my therapist and my sponsor, that should i feel unsafe (when will i get a clue?), to call them or someone else and either have him removed or remove myself. This sucks. i hate the uncertainty, waiting for the next blow-up to take place. He’s not even attending meetings like he was–when we first moved in together–and everything now is centered around him–his running–his goals–his ‘diet’–etc. i know: i have several choices i need to make, as well as plans…. but, my brain automatically goes to: You’ve survived much worse than this–you were hit and treated like property before–so, what’s the big deal if he raises his voice and keeps yammering??? or, hits a wall–i already have come to the realization that i won’t get any of my deposit back, since he’s done so much to the walls and doors and etc– Yesterday, i just wanted to stay IN bed–head covered–not doing anything, going anywhere, no speaking, nothing— He’s destined to wake me up early in the a.m., almost every day he’s off work (since i already get up early when he works)….and if i don’t respond or get up, he keeps at it, and nagging ensues…. When can i get a break??? All i tend to hear is “i go to work and work hard at my job, so when i come home, is it too much to ask for a little attention?”—a little???? i’ve had NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO attention. Sorry….no need to rant…..wooooossssssssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh
    But, that’s pretty much how i feel–even now. i feel like this relationship has become one-sided. The other day, i had to make myself stay put, because those racing thoughts of jumping in front of a bus kept popping inside my head…… ppppppppfffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttttt!! oh well……..

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