I'm done. I give up.

Okay, I don't really. I want so much to be able to say that and mean it. But I know I'll never give up. It's my curse…or something. I am so tired of trying to be able to do things that people ask me to. Iam so tiredof getting anxiety over trying to make myself do something. I'd rather just not bother with it. I know avoidance isn't the best way to handle things, but I feel likeI've spent so many years letting things build up that I just need…to rest for a bit. That maybe avoidance could bea good thing…as long asI don't let it become permanent. Is that crazy? Is that delusional? Is that just wishful thinking? *sigh*

A friend from church asked me to lead song service with her and some other people this week. I said yes, but told her I wasn't sure I could make it to the practice. She was very understanding and sweet; she even arranged for someone to give me a ride so that I wouldn't have to have one of my sisters take me and have to stay in town all day with them.

But now I'm having anxiety over this…. Especially now, 'cause she left a message on my phone asking me to give her directions to my place so she could give them to the lady she found to give me a ride. I e-mailed her about it and she asked me to please call her. See…this is a problem. I have MAJOR MAJOR phone anxiety!

I can't do it. I just can't. I'm tired of forcing myself through the anxiety. I'm so tired…. I want to rest and feel for awhile that it's okay to not be able to do some things. I have pushed myself so hard for so many years. I have been going through this my whole life. I just want to, for once…to sit back and relax and feel that I don't have to….

I don't know what to do. Hide? Maybe. Naw. That's not the answer. Try to go forward anyway? I don't feel like I'm ready for exposure therapy right now. I need to heal before I do therapy…. I dunno. Should I back out? Tell her I can't do it?

Man, I hate myself sometimes…. I used to be able to jump up and sing in front of church last minute without a hitch–whether alone or with a group. But maybe that was just it–improv works better for me. I can't do the whole planning and rehearsing thing. Ugh. Sometimes I just want to disappear. I want people to stop talking to me if they're always going to be asking me to do something or inviting me to do something. I love them and I like spending time with them. But…I just…can't.