My father seems like I'm all good when I smile and all when I'm not. My mom understands me at least OR maybe she just sees how my condition is and try to understand me because obviously they can't understand how it is like living a life having this. Like, he thinks I'm doing nothing but do whatever I want, eating food at home – but I'm staying in because I'm trying to deal with my conditions!? because I'm not taking medicine at all!? I do know that I look like I'm doing nothing but what I'm doing isn't nothing at all. I WISH I was doing nothing.

I had several urges that I want to go back to clinic and get medicine even though I am not pleasant with long journey (I have to take a bus, train and subway to get there and it takes approximately 2 hours in total). I have no choice but sitting on my seat on the bus and train (I am very uncomfortable that I get upset) but I don't on the subway. Needless to say, I do not hold the handle when I'm standing when the subway is moving. I didn't count it exactly but I guess the subway jorney is about 40 minutes or more. I feel like someone hammered on my knees so it aches when I walk or bend.

I still want to take medicine because I was thinking about natural resources to boost my serotonin but it's going to take a lot longer time than taking medicine and now I'm so hopless that I don't even care with side-effects that I'd get. My side-effects were laziness, trembling, nightmares (I still have nightmares every single day and it's a lot worse), memory problems and so on. These are all I can think of right now.

Speaking of dreams, I'm sure most of you guys have experienced this before, I encounter with extreme annoying situation with people around me, for instance, my mother and good friends. My relationship with mother was really cold and awful when I was younger. Or maybe until I showed her my cuts and went to psychiatrist. I studied Psychology when I was at university college and I, myself decided to go see a psychiatrist. I knew I needed to. Or else I'll go crazier because back then, I was already crazy that I didn't feel any emotion when I cut or after cutting. The pain wasn't painful. I could not control any of my feelings, needless to say I felt no happiness at all.

She and I used to hug each other and communicate often but since after my condition is so bad, I feel disgusted when she's near me. Extremeley disgusted that I feel molested. I'd rather kill myself than letting her come near me, talk to me and hold my hand. I know it's perfectly normal that she does that because I'm her daugther and she wants to comfort me. She wants to comfort me but I'm not saying any word because I can't put things that I'm going through into words. How can I when it's not even sorted out in my head? And I can defintely NOT able to say it out into my native language. I'll burst into tears by thinking about what I want to say. I guess that was the problem with my psychiatrist. I mean, I was being really honest and told him a lot but it was always tough that I didn't say things that I wanted to say directly. I'm sure he knew it or maybe he didn't get it.

Oh and one thing, I can't control my anger when my condition is bad. I am so pissed that I can cry in any second. I think about cutting myself.

I love my dog but I had several dreams that she died and there was nothing I could do. I was extremely sad and was so anxious when I woke up. I was so relieved that she's alive in real life.

Dreams hunt me every day over and over. I deal with those when I'm awake when others think I'm just doing nothing but play with a cell phone and computer like a jobless person. And yeah, I am jobless but it's because I am too anxious and scared. I know I'll get a part-time job once I take medicine and get used to it.

I just fucking hate everything about this and really see no light in this journey.

And last of all, to be honest, this website was still suspicious to me but I've talked to my friend and she said community sounds good so I'm giving a shot. I guess all I want is someone who can relate to me than who can understand because imaging someone's perspective and understanding the situation can be nice but relating AND understanding is a completely different think.

Thank you who wrote to me.