Hi everyone,
I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 19 officially, even though I had signs of it before. Sometimes, I'm really strong and can power through it and disengage in negatve thoughts, therefore stopping the process of the worrying and taking power away from the intrusive thoughts. Sometimes, however, its not that easy. Most of my OCD is sexual related or violent–if that makes sense? Like randomly if annoyed with someone, I'm like "oh I must wanna kill them"..which is crazy, because I'm usually a very happy, compassionate person. I talked to a counselor at my college, who really, really helped and took an active intetrest in my well being. She informed me that while OCD is random, it can be triggered and that sometimes that makes it harder to overcome. I have no problem discussing this on here, but would never be able to tell people I know in real life. Earlier this year, in Spring semester, I met a guy and we hung out a bunch and after I told him I did not want to have sex, he forced himself upon me. He then kept trying to come back into my life and would only use me to get what he wanted and tried to get me to do his laundry/feed him aka like I was his mother. I was feeling really lost and unimpressed, guilty for letting him take advantage of me, and my OCD just went nuts. I went to class and had intrusive thoughts of violent images of people, which made learning hard.
As I've said, I have OCD that sometimes relates to sexual intrusive thoughts. My first time experiencing OCD was when I had homosexual OCD, where I thought "OMG I must be gay and into other females" , even if I only admired them for their beauty and wanted to emulate them. It got to the point I would stop going around places I knew other girls would be, especially if I thought they were like me and dressed the same, aka were really girly. Then I started having OCD thoughts that I must be sexually interested in people that were close to me, which also seemed highly unlikely. I started having thoughts like "Oh I must wanna do stuff with old people, too"..it just went crazy. The one that is REALLY bothering me lately though is randomly I was like "oh I must be a pedophile". I went to the beach the other day and was jealous that this one girl, who I thought was an older teen, had a better beach body than I did. Then I was like "OMG I must be gay". I found out she was fifteen, though she looked way older, and was like "omg I am a pedophile too now" and then had trouble being around a little girl who kept wanting to hang out, as it was a youthgroup outting and a lot of the girls look up to me.
I don't want to be around kids at all now, or see their facebook pictures on my friends walls who constantly post pics of their kids. It used to never bother me that way at all. I have always wanted a baby and children of my own, so I don't understand why these thoughts are so awful. Yet in the same breath, I don't feel like I'm completely letting it ruin my life at the moment. At times, I am able to dismiss these thoughts.
I asked about stressors becasue I am about to move 7 hours from home to start graduate school soon and don't want this to overpower me and take away from my potential. I felt weird even telling OCD tribe people about this for fear of labeling. I really do not think I am a pedophile or gay, but am unsure why it even triggered in my mind, especially since I have a boyfriend and like flirting, sexual activities, and attention from guys (my age or older).
Am I alone?
Nope. You are deffinitely not alone. One of the earliest obsessions I can remember started when I was 14 or so. I was very used to babysitting and loved every minute of it. Then, I was watching some show on TV where they were talking about child abuse and pedophilia and BAM! my OCD mind went crazy with intrusive thoughts. It got to the point where I stopped babysiitting b/c I couldn't stand the way I felt around children. It hurt me so bad because I had always enjoyed being around kids and imagined my life with children of my own. It wasn't until a few years later when I sought out counseling that I finally figured out that this wasn't me–it was the OCD. Oddly enough this particular intrusive thought is very common amongst OCD suffers. While it was comforting to know I wasn't alone, it didn't immediately relieve the intrusive thoughts. It has taken a lot of work and therapy to be able to distinguish what OCD is trying to tell me and what is actuality. The most important thing to learn is how to distract yourself from these thoughts and make them less powerful. Two books I would suggest for you (if you haven't already read them) are "Brain Lock" by Jeffrey Schwartz which will teach you the four step method and can help allieveate yourself from the OCD cycle of obsessions. The other one "The Imp of the Mind" by Lee Baer really focuses on the intrusive thoughts (many of which you are currently suffering from.) A lot of OCD books focus on rituals, but this one talks about the obsessive/intrusive thoughts which many of us suffer from. Hope this helps.
Hello I have OCD I no it so heard at time I no case my OCD is so bad at time I don't have but 2 friend n not good friend st time I want tell them I got OCD my kids is the only 1 no I got OCD my family don't no 1 my sister no that all me n my family not close we don't get along my mom dad pass way my kids is all I got n god yes I do believe n god . I hat my OCD wish I dint have it I wash my hand so much about 100 time day some time more I get in out tub get back in tub I, I ck my door over over ck. stove over over it just go on in on some day all I can do is cry when I go shop it so bad I buy things then I thank some thing wrong with it I go back 3 time buy over again I hat my OCD
Hvae you looked into pure O?…there are categories like Pedo. O and Homo. O that sounds like what you're experiencing.
Like others have said….you are far from alone. These issues in society are so taboo that we are afraid if anyone knows we have these intrusive thoughts, they will label us. Stressful times definitely exasperate OCD. Literally the day after having my second son, I had visions of slicing my kids throats (sorry if too graphic). I didn't want to see them or hold them…but I fought through it, and the anxiety dissipated, and was then able to distinguish the rational from the irrational thoughts. This is just one example of a stressful event. But I also think that guy that forced himself onto you, should be reported. I have no doubt that that event would trigger a lot of unwanted thoughts. Hope you're having a better day.