so im getting off my meds cuz they make me unable to think and feel emoitionless, like a zombie, id rather handle the ocd and anxiety. but, here i am, in the worst state ever, one ive been in before, that far surpasses many of your worst nightmaares i would think about how bad your emotions can really make you feel. my therapist says emotions cannot hurt you. shes wrong. it hurts so bad, and i mean so bad its like ic ant stand being concious, a pain so deep nothing can heal it but God himself, and i dont even know how to describe it. I'm scared. I dont know how im even going to mke it through the night. but ik i have to. I cant bear this overwhelming feeling, this should literally kill a person, yet im feeling it, and suffering the wrath of Saan himself, like i have before, and i hate it. you may think im exaggerating but honest to God im probably giving an understatement. you hav eno idea and quite frankly im glad no one has to know this pain. no one deserves to suffer but me. idk what i did wrong but it must be something. my mind is taking away my gf, but its not real, im just going psychotic, literally probably,with delusional thinking resembling symptoms of psychosis. i just wanna live. it hurts so bad i wanna cry out in pain. feelings are able to hurt you. they can hurt you. they arent just feelings. somebody help me please i dont wanna suffer anymore i dont wanan do this im scared and idk what to do and i dont think God loves me at all and i probably deserve this but i cant handle it and im literally babbling for nothing. its no use and no one even cares probably or even if they do they cant help. it hurts so bad, worse than your worst breakup with someone you love, ive been through that. worse than any emotional pain imaginable. whatd i do to deserve this? ik im a horrible person but i dont mean to be. i try to be kind to everyone and help people i really do, i alwys put others first to the point i get called out and told i need to put myself first but i refuse to listen. maybe i was bad in some past life, if such a thing exists. i didnt mean to hurt anyone im sorry please spare me this suffering im so sorry. 🙁
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Hey there, TIny Dancer. You know…you're not the only person who has ever felt this way. You didn't know me when my OCD was bad. I can tell you going off your meds is a pretty bad idea with the way you feel right now. You might be on the wrong ones…some work on you differently than others. The OCD and the anxiety is worse than being a little emotionless. I think that emotionless feeling is coming from just being worn down and tired, you know? My meds never made me feel like that, however, I would try something new before giving up…and I know that is difficult, too.
Your therapist is both right and wrong. Emotions can't physically hurt you (not in the sense that they can punch you etc.)…they can leave you sleepless and lacking for an appetite…which wears you down and makes you more vulnerable. They are still just smoke and mirrors, though, baby. They can only do what you let them do. I know how bad OCD can get…and I know it hurts…it's awful and you just want to get away from it. Sleep sometimes isn't even a refuge. I know what it's like to wonder why God is letting this happen and wondering if I did something bad in a past life. I've spent many nights not thinking I'd make it through and being so afraid I wanted to cry. My psychiatrist calls OCD "magical thinking"…and that's what you're describing. You're not psychotic (likely…I'm no doctor and I don't know if you've had some sort of breakdown). You're not babbling, you don't deserve this, and you -can- handle it. You handled it all through the post. Sometimes it's just about getting by minute by minute.
Listen…I've known you a long time. You're a good person. You're having a bad time. That is all. And it can get better. It does improve. I'm in remission and if you heard half my old stories about my OCD you would think I would be in a nut house by now. I'm always here if you need to talk. You know how I got through bad nights? I'd watch comedies. I'd zone out (because feeling like a zombie beats anxiety any day of the week). I would listen to music, talk to friends, cry, sleep, cuddle the dog…whatever it took. You are going to be fine. I promise you that. I don't make promises I can't keep. Sooner or later things turn around. You have to work really hard sometimes. I know you can do it, though. Don't do anything stupid, honey.
Always here. Always listening. Take care. Oz and I are thinking of you right now.