I need to reach out for some objective opinions because my husband seems to think it’s just me. I am remarried and I love my husband and my step-children very much. There are some obstacles that we need to overcome and most of which I think we can, however my children and I moved into his house that happens to be in the same neighborhood that his x is in. At first I thought this would just be a bit uncomfortable, but I’ve found that I cannot continue to live here. I am fighting depression and insecurity like I have never felt before. His x pops in at varying degrees of frequency for things that the kids need or to discuss things. She has a key to his house and he has one for hers. During kids’ activities, they are typically together. This includes swim team which is at “our” neighborhood pool. Summer is a time that I look forward to all year, but I cannot get comfortable with the idea of us all hanging out in swimsuits together. I really want us to have our life that we have built together. This feels like I’m just filling in and there are more reasons for that that I won’t get into right now. It feels like he hasn’t let go. He seems to think this is normal. I’m curious if maybe it is just me. Maybe it’s part of being a blended family, but there are other things that add on to this. I sure don’t want another divorce. I do love him very much and I would guess that it wouldn’t bother me if I didn’t. He claims that it wouldn’t bother him if it were reversed. Maybe that’s also because of a lack of feelings on his part So my question is, if you really loved someone, would you be ok in this living arrangement?
Thank you for your reply. I’m also wondering how would you feel about your husband hanging out at kids’ events together with x ? When I go too, feel like a third wheel. Additionally, how would you feel about spending the summer at the neighborhood pool together? I just want our own place. I need to be able to relax and grow as a family together. Idk
Why does she have a key to your house? How is that ‘necessary’?
The key doesn’t bother me if it’s used in an emergency with a heads up….mostly. Although it sort of symbolizes a great big welcome anytime mat and a your place is mine attitude. The key became an issue when my daughter who was only 15 minutes away locked us out accidentally. We were headed back from a looong trip in the car. I was already dreading coming home to a place that I’m not comfortable in. As you can imagine on long trips, my hair etc was a mess. So unknowingly to me, my husband calls his x and she comes driving up. I was not in the mood to put on a happy social face and talk to her. I found myself pathetically hiding in the garage of what is supposed to be my house that I feel comfortable in Meanwhile my daughter was already in her way
i dont know, sort of feels like were disregarding this other person at this point. did we ever stop to think how she might feel about all of this? i mean are they her kids? not sure if i read this properly. if they are it must be kinda fucked up having them live with another woman. as for the key, what if something were to ever happen to the kids? HER kids, if im inferring this correctly. i feel like its absolutely necessary for her to have a key, emergencies do happen.
i dont believe telling her NOT to go to her own kids activities is a good idea in the slightest. joint custody is usually only when the two parties involved cant fucking stand each other, but its doesnt seem like thats the case here and theyre fine watching their kids do their activities and stuff, THEIR kids, mind you, if im inferring correctly again. and jumping from that, did we ever stop to think how the kids might feel about all of this?
all the sudden their mom isnt showing up to soccer? or whatever? that would be really fucked up if im putting myself in their shoes, she is their mom and i would rather her show up.
maybe he doesnt think it would bother him if it were reversed because hes thinking about his kids? i dont knoiw, im barely an adult and i dont have kids, but i do know the difference between fucked up parents and normal ones. this doesnt sound like a too fuckd up case.
this may be offensive, but do you think you might be insecure about this x? obviously anyone would be of anyones x im assuming, but do you think it might be a case of viewing through a particular filter that theyre not seeing? i dont know, there isnt a whole lot of information here, and parents are a touchy issue for me, so take this all with a heap of salt
THESE KIDS should be the top priority, fist and foremost, lets not get narcissistic
also, not for nothing, sometimes its a matter of knowing when to play second fiddle, and when not to.
i wasnt going to add this on seeing as how im pretty much way overstepping as it is, but it seems like you just want this other person to be poof, gone from ‘your’ lives. thats unrealistic, if thats the case. just by the virtue of her being their mom, she probably going to be around for the rest of your life, if you decide to stay with the person, and so your probably going to have to learn to get along with this person. as well, you mention you feel your husband hasnt let go, it might not be a case of not letting go, so much as that she will always be a part of him, because shes his kids mom, they share that together and i doubt that whatever feelings are going to simply just dissipate, that unrealistic as well, if that is in fact what im reading
The key isn’t the biggest issue. It’s a boundary issue. It’s a privacy issue. It’s an issue of letting go and starting new. And I don’t mind playing second fiddle to the kids. I adore them. It’s a i want a life as a family. I don’t want her completely gone. It’s not even an issue of having a problem with her. I think you are misunderstanding what im saying and to be honest I’m not sure that you could possibly have any idea what I’m talking about
thats fair, im an angry little person
MMeece, you’ve got a heavy load on your shoulders right now. You have to feel safe and able to be able to take care of those kids, and since there is this very openness between your partner and his ex, it’s not the easiest way to communicate. YOUR needs matter, too. You are a part of this equation. The key here is the mother of the children is your partner’s EX and should be ‘treated’ as such—meaning there need to be some defined boundaries, to avoid confusion and yes, hurt. It is a blended family, sure. But, there should also be an understanding and some communication between all the adults involved, so there won’t be so much confusion. This doesn’t mean you’re trying to rub out the mother of those children, nor does it mean you’re trying to keep them from seeing her. *sigh Obviously, you’re going to need to get your partner on board, before you even approach the subject of the mother. Personally, i would find it more than weird–i’d feel put-out, actually, like my feelings didn’t matter, nearly as much as the ex’s. Ya’ll need to talk and have some understanding.
i hope you can get there!! Good luck!!! ***hugs***
Thank you. 🙂
I’m thinking that a move would be a fresh start. It solves a lot if issues. We won’t be as convenient for pop ins that range in frequency. I’m not comfortable with them from anyone but especially not from an x. I would like to feel comfortable in my own home, not feel like I have to be dressed to socialize and always have the house ready for a drop by. I work full time and together we have 5 kids, a grandbaby, and three dogs. The house and I are not always pulled together. I also didn’t mention that my husband’s girls have come to me separately and said that they wanted to move. For different reasons, but i no longer have the guilt of sacrificing my needs for them. Additionally, my son is not comfortable with the situation and is “ weirded out”. Especially when the x’s brother came over to hang out. I am not happy with this home for several reasons including it’s too far from my work, friends, and things tgat I enjoy doing. Mostly I want to build a home together that works for us, not me living tge life they planned for them. Does that seem reasonable?
You’re absolutely right, mmeece!
i am so in agreement, regarding moving. And, the kids’ discomfort is just icing on the cake–a concrete reason to work on relocating. You and your husband need to be starting your own life together, with the kids and grand-kid, without extra people butting in, looking over your shoulder, or popping in. *sigh
The way i see it, anyway: if someone comes over for a visit–esp a friend–they’re coming to see YOU and not the home. If they’re coming to inspect, then their visit is for the wrong reason! —just my way of seeing it, mind you. 🙂
I think you have anxiety issues of your own that are not to do with this bloke and his ex wife. I’m sensing a lot of insecurity about yourself as a person that you need to address. You have put up a photo of yourself, which I probably wouldn’t recommend – but it shows someone exceedingly good looking, beautiful hair, beautiful figure. This bloke’s ex wife is probably just totally depressed looking at you.
After a marriage ends one can end up in quite a strong platonic friendship. And that person certainly is welcome in your house, and will always be, and horribly enough have to be something the new person can get over because that person is the other parent of your children and like it or not they’re part of the family.
She’s just like an aunt, or a sister. You have to be willing to accept her as she is most assuredly part of the furniture.
I get along fine with my ex husband. I don’t have a key, he keeps one hidden on the property. I guess I know where that key is tho. He doesn’t have a key to my place, but I could easily give him one without a 2nd thought. I know him well enough to know he wouldn’t snoop, he has the curiosity of a lump of firewood.
So you really need to address the insecurity you feel within yourself, that projects out to your marriage, and then from there to the ex wife. If you felt confident and comfortable with who you are these things would have no ability to gain purchase. You wouldn’t even notice them.
It’s not just you. I agree, there are definitely some boundary issues. I get co-parenting but this just seems to be co-dependant. It’s time for them to truly let go of each other. None of this is fair to you. None of this is normal. Good Luck Doll ☺