So, who am I?

I’m Gray. Nice to meet you all. Just your average run of the mill oncology nurse. Yeah, you read that right. I deal in the nature of cancer. Twelve hour night shifts, with the sickest of the sick. Active chemo, palliative care, septic people..

Who am I outside of that role? Well, not much of anyone. Okay, that isn’t entirely true. I’m single. Bisexual. Someone’s daughter. Someone’s sister. A bookworm. An introvert. Writer (when I get the chance or the energy to do so). Best friend. Wow, that was more than I thought. I guess we aren’t really aware of how many roles we take on until we have to spell it out for people. I’m not much for talking about myself, truthfully. I’ve sort of had to force that. Become more comfortable. Not all of us are comfortable in our own skins, after all.

Depression? Got it. But, most people would read the beginning of this blog and think, “Well duh, look at your job, of course you’re depressed!” This is no bueno. I’ve suffered from depression all of my life. That I can remember? Since I was thirteen. Helping others, nursing in general, became my outlet for dealing with it. Not to say that my job isn’t depressing. I see people in the worst and final moments of their life. This job is not for everyone.

How did I decide to get into it? Well, a mental health nurse saved my life as a teenager. I struggle with depression, anxiety, high-functioning ADHD (I can hyperfocus like nobody’s business). She was my inspiration to get into the nursing field. But I couldn’t do mental health. Don’t get me wrong, I can listen to someone vent and offer support all day.. but actively pursue that area? I couldn’t do it.

Outside of work, it’s just me. And my dog. And my two cats. They’re my kiddos. I read. I meditate. I draw. I spend a lot of time outside. Vitamin D is important. I love bookstores. And coffee. God, I love coffee. So good. Have you ever really lived until you’ve had an amazing cup of coffee? Oh, sorry. Sidetracked. I like the beach. Not for the same reason other people like the beach. I don’t go to lay out and tan and meet people. I like the sand beneath my feet. I like to meditate in front of the sea. I like to go snorkeling and feel life all around me. I get an adrenaline rush from swimming beneath the waves.

Bad habits? I love salt. And carbs. I like laying in bed all day and being non-productive to the point that sometimes I have to drag myself up to prepare for the day (or night, since I live at night basically). I’m suspicious of people by nature. Trust issues galore. Is that a bad habit? I guess it’s not really a habit. I sometimes tend to zone out on people for days.

Good traits? Oh sure. I like to help people. I like to make people laugh. I live for it, really. I love making my patients laugh. As long as people are laughing, they aren’t sad, or hurt. That means the world to me. I’m selfless, I’ll put other people before myself every time. I don’t hold grudges. I speak softly.

Bad traits? Short of patience, short of time, short of temper. Do I blow up? No. Can I? Certainly. I tend to process things slowly though, mulling around whether it’s worth getting angry over. Frustration is a real struggle though. That can happen without warning.

Is my name really Gray? No. It’s a nickname. I see life in general in shades of gray. Nothing is really ever black and white.

Thanks for listening to me.

-Gray