I cry, it hurts so bad, worse than it does when someone hurts you, it hurts when it should not. When you should be moving on. So alone. So sad. I want this all to end, it hurts so bad, but I don’t want to hurt my mother. She doesn’t understand, noone does. People here don’t care, they’re too wrapped up in their own lives to realize the wrecked mine and that this year I have to come back by myself to rebuild things.
Met with friends for a late lunch, but it ended up being with guys they knew too, and my ex roommate, my ex best friend that abadoned me and stabbed me in the back. Everyone smiles and makes jokes that I don’t get because I was on medical leave. Everyone has these glasses janet got in scottland. Except me.
I don’t want to go through this anymore. When will this price be paid so I can go free? So I can live free without this sadness and constant anxiety, and feeling left out. Can no one see how left out I am? How hard this is for me? It just doesn’t feel like it’s worth it right now. I don’t want to hurt mom, she’s the only person that cares about me, but she’s 400 miles away and I’m at the mercy of these girls who I have linked my existance to. I can’t help but look to them, run back to where they used to be, mom doesn’t understand that I’ve never been good at making friends.
I hate them, I hate them right now, for this, I haven’t felt hate in a while but something about seeing joy on a person’s face who is/has made your life hell brings out an ugly side. Went right from lunch to class and couldn’t concentrate I was so panicy. I just took 1.5mg xannax. I wonder what would happen if I took the whole bottle sometimes. It just hurts so bad not to be loved or cared about, and it makes me feel, whatever fantasy there is to it, that I DESERVE IT. It makes me feel like I am scum, and that’s why people have/had treated me this way.
Pain like this is tourture, I would say anything to get out of it. I hide in my room, I want to go to sleep and wait it out till morning, but that would be night 2 of me, going to bed early, not seeing any of my roommates, being weird, ceasing to function after 3.
I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to get through this, how anyone could.
Andrew hasn’t called me. We hooked up friday, were supposed to meet up sat and couldn’t find a right time on sunday. He hasn’t said anything to me since I asked him to hang out sun. I feel so fucking stupid, I hate myself for hooking up with him, for thinking that he could care about me, or that….he was waiting for me since the begining of our "thing" got cut off with me withdrawing because of depression. I am so angry at him for….most likely using me, go use someone else who still has something left in them that isn’t broken! How dare you play with my emotions at such a voitlie time in my life. I don’t need your shit, you are shit, I hope you stay alone and unhappy forever because you deserve it for being such an idiot.
I don’t know what to do, I hate asking this, I hate being annoying but I need help, I need to hear something, if you’re reading this, I don’t know where to go what to do.