I dunno… things are getting hard. I used to go and speak to a person every week when i was a little kid, and i had some sort of diagnosis that I’m unaware of and they had me on an anti depressant i think? I remember it said “generic for Prozac” on the bottle. I was on this for a few months and then my dad decided that i didn’t need it, just like he decided that i didn’t need glasses. So i was off the meds and i was not wearing glasses anymore.

He means well, he just doesn’t think outside of his own personal experience and so i don’t blame him for that although he could have probably saved me a lot of suffering had he let me continue with my appointments and medication. It’s been about 12 years since then now, and i have not seen anyone. My brain is like destroying itself. I don’t even know what is going on up there. I can’t articulate all of it.

When i lived at home my parents would fight every day. They would scream at each other and break and throw things every day. Multiple times per day. I sometimes found myself in the middle screaming and being screamed at but usually it was just them. At the time i remember thinking “this isn’t normal, i should feel really bad but i don’t.” I was mostly able to block it out and carry on with my childhood, but i feel like these things are coming back to me now. Like maybe they’ve caused some unknown psychological damage.

The things that i hate and the things that make me miserable are always at the forefront of my mind, and everything that i love is just so dim. I remember getting excited about things when i was a kid, and just waking up and generally feeling pretty good. I don’t feel that anymore, everything feels like a chore. I used to live for my days off but now i would almost rather work because when I’m working i have coffee and I’m busy, and at home I’m just in my brain because i can’t find joy or pleasure in literally anything.

I used to do art and play video games, and read and watch movies and i used to play with my dogs a lot more, and i just can’t do these things, or i will do them and then within minutes i will lose interest or i will feel this burning need that i need to be doing something else like something important for my life or whatever.

i have a lot of dread. A lot of dread. It goes really deep and existential and it can just make everything seem either really scary or really pointless.

I have times where small setbacks and minor inconveniences will make me irrationally upset or stressed. I will freak and get like really angry or really panicked. The only way i can describe the feeling is like, my head feels clogged. Like i just feel unclear and it feels wrong and scary and it freaks me out and i am absolutely not myself. I get short and mean and aggressive and i hate it. I hit my car door the other day when i was having one of these fits, it was awful. I felt so bad afterward because my partner was in the car with me and he deserves better than to see me that way. I hurt my hand, it bruised really badly and hurt for over a week. That was sort of a waking up moment for me, like ok you need to do better. You need to be a better you.

Its scary when your brain starts to make you a different person. I just feel like a sad, bored, angry, dull person and that is so not who i am or ever was.

I dunno…. i have an appointment next month so we will see how that goes