im suposed to be at uni; but well i havent gone in. i went back to sleep hoping i’d wake up really late & no1 would notice. but i had to get up to feed my cats & dogs becasue my dad didnt come home till 6am [due to his job, not anything sinister] & my step mum isnt here becasue her dad died last week so she’s staying to look after her mum untill the funeral next week.
im going to use to day to catch up on some of the work ive missed, like drawings and research. i have an assement at uni in a week or so.
i have to have my UCAS done by Dec 11th. [UCAS is the whole strict process of applying to universities for next september] i have to decided my life in less than a month.
i have no idea what i want to do.
i hate my uni course. i havent made any new friends really, except Mia, Chris & Lewis who i never see outside of uni.
my best friend came back this weekend from uni & it was really nice to see him, but its made miss him more now he’s gone back.
im very paranoied at the moment. im always worrying matts going to leave me becasue im so difficult with my depression, paranoya, ocd, & the demands of my family on me. im worried im pushing him aways, or that he’s going to want an easier time or go & have fun instead of being with me.
i cant get a job. i keep getting rejected & its not giving me much confidance in myself, & it means i dont have much money.
i feel totally outcased my step family. & real brothers arnt around [ ones at uni the other moved out 4 years ago] & my dad is misrable all the time.
i feel totally worthless, unnoticed, ugly and pointless.
im tiered all the bloody time, but i can never sleep for very long. i have no energy, everything seems difficult or chanllenging that i cant possibly do it. i used to love cooking but i cant be bothered to cook for my self so im just not eating proper food. i’ll cook for matt or my family but not for myself.
i think im going to go back to councelling & maybe start anti-depresscance again. ?!?!?