Okay, I need to talk.  It would help.

Thanks for listening in advance.  One never knows the difference they make for others by merely reading something.

I did the go outside option and take a deep breath and it helped.  I started thinking about this and tears started leaking out of my eyes earlier.

The negative and cruel actions of people that I have cut out of my life bothers me sometimes.  I can be having a perfectly fine day and the evening arrives.  Then, “that thumbs down” situations plays in my mind like a mini movie.  I remember all the details and how hurt I felt.

Plus, I realize that I can’t go by the “hurt people, hurt people thing” isn’t working for me.  Even if he was dropped on his head as baby, and witnessed toxic relationships growing up, etc…..

The fact is that this person hurt me on purpose, he had a plan, and it was deliberate! He was ten years older than me! He was cruel on purpose.  He liked confusing me and making me blame myself for his negative actions.

Trauma bonds are powerful and can be confusing.  The person who hurt you “back then” seems like the solution to making the emotional pain go away.  However, they created the emotional pain, didn’t give you closure and they did it on purpose to feel more secure.  They want to know that they can come back if they regret their decision and you will take them back.  The person who hurt you becomes the person who “saves” you from the emotional pain that THEY caused on purpose.

Sometimes, this situation comes to mind and I shed a few tears.  The version of me that didn’t know what I know now was in a bad situation.

However, I didn’t know back then that it wasn’t my fault.  I didn’t know that it was okay to walk away when I first had concerns about how he treated me.   I thought back then that I didn’t deserve to be treated any better and I was lucky to be with him.

One day, he pushed the thumbs down treatment of me TOO FAR.   My every instinct said, “This isn’t okay.  He doesn’t cherish or value having me in his life.”

I really wanted him to be the man that I met at first again.   I kept waiting for  the  “nice” version of him to come back verses the controlling,  cruel, and cold version of him that showed up pretty quickly confused me.  I kept thinking “back then” that I must of something wrong for “nice” version of him to “go away.”  I tried to fix it by going along with controlling version of him to get along.   I thought it would bring back the “nice” version of him back if I did everything perfect, looked perfect, was understanding and loved him enough.

I know these things to be true that I remind myself of often when I get in this mood which is reflecting on “what happened.”  Maybe someone reading this needs to hear these things to help a friend or themselves.

1.  People tend to be at the their best behavior during dating.  If they treat you poorly during dating, it will only get worse after marriage AND they will treat any children you have like they treat you.  (I don’t know from experience if this true.  I didn’t stay with him and marry him to find out.)
2.  People are the sum total of their best, worst and everything in the middle traits! It isn’t wise to split up a person in your mind as “the good part” and the “bad part.”  The “bad part” is part of who the person is.   The “good version” was them at their best behavior and it takes a lot of energy for someone who struggles to maintain “that mask” to keep it up.  People are a package deal! If you can’t accept the “bad version” and live for the “good version” to come back, it means you are focused on “their potential.”  We can’t fix people.  They have to fix themselves.  They have to want to change or improve themselves.  It isn’t ever our job to “fix someone to their potential” or “save them from themselves with enough love and understanding.”
3.  When people show you who they really are, believe them the first time.

Thank you for letting me my thoughts out on the matter.  You helped by reading!

It is my goal to always be feel confident in my decisions and know I always did my best from the knowledge that I had “back then.”

Yet, here I sit typing with a few  tears running down my face thinking of the less wise me who loved someone who purposely manipulated me with the intention to be cruel.  It is something he has to live with and is part of his character.

I didn’t want to cry about this but the tears are leaking out.    I thought typing it out would prevent the tears that I was fighting not to cry.

I appreciate you for taking the time to read this blog.  You helped.  I appreciate you.

Lacey