The first drink went down quickly and thankfully my server noticed and asked me if I wanted another. Can you guess that I said? “Yes please!”. Sitting alone was always a bit of an uncomfortable thing for me. I do it so much these days that it doesn’t bother me too much anymore. But this time all of that was amplified by being dressed as a woman. I was only a few sips into my second drink when I began to feel a full bladder. No way was I getting up from that table. Trying to take my mind off of it I read and re-read the menu, even though I had already ordered. I checked my phone even though there was nothing to check. I was nervous and that made the need to pee even more intense. I knew that the bathroom was just inside the building but it was down a narrow hallway near the bar area. My top leg bounced on top of my other leg but that didn’t do anything to satisfy the urge to pee. I waited and then when I felt I couldn’t hold it any longer I just had to get up. Again, I felt shaky and weak but somehow managed to walk towards the door and into the building. Heads turned from the people sitting at the bar but I looked the other way and turned my attention to the hallway. A bolt of emotion flashed inside my entire body when I saw the signs; MEN and WOMEN. There was so much else on my mind that I hadn’t even thought of this moment. As it turned out I didn’t hesitate and pushed the door to the women’s room open and slipped inside. Once behind a closed door I noticed my breathing was shallow and I could feel the blood pumping through my veins. I had never used the women’s bathroom before and here I was. After that initial shock (I guess that is what you would call it), I felt fine. I took care of my business and had a chance to be in a quiet comfortable place to calm down fully. All that quickly changed the moment I stepped out of the ladies room.

When I opened the bathroom door there was an older man standing in the hallway. He moved towards me as I was leaving and he was nearly shouting in my face when he said, “You shouldn’t be in there. You are not fooling anybody, you f*&^%ing freak.” He scared the hell out of me and I didn’t know what to do or say. I was totally speechless and couldn’t move. It was a very real paralysis like I’ve never felt before. He was saying other things but I hardly heard any thing after the first part. I don’t know what he was planning on doing and I had no defense for it either. Before I knew what was happening a younger guy pushed the old man away from me and then grabbed my arm as he told the man to shut up. Then he said “She is my friend and you should mind you own business”. Now I never met this guy before and his actions freaked me out too. What was happening? Then, his words hit me like a brick because he called me “SHE”! My emotions flowed like a raging river and I slowly started to figure out what was happening. So this guy I don’t know is already my hero. When he began to walk with me outside towards my table, I really felt I had a friend. He asked if he could sit for a minute and of course I said yes. He introduced himself as Dan and asked my name. I told him my name and then thanked him for helping me. Then he looked at my drink and he asked what I was drinking. I was pretty flustered and only managed to say that it was some fruit drink. He asked what was in it and I told him rum. Dan then said in no uncertain terms that I needed a shot of rum. I didn’t argue as he flagged down the server and ordered two.

When our shots came we clinked glasses and drank them right down. After a little small talk Dan asked me if I have troubles like that very often. I said that it never happened before but didn’t elaborate. He said that I was lucky and he seemed to be a truly honest and caring person. If he didn’t come and save me I think something bad might have happened at the bar. Dan said it was no big deal and then asked if I would be OK. I said that I was OK and mentioned that I thought I should leave. I hadn’t eaten yet but I didn’t care at all about that. Dan said I should hang out and eat and that he would come back and check on me in a little bit. He smiled, got up and went back into the bar. I sat stunned for a minute thinking about what just happened. My mind raced through all kinds of thoughts and things I should have said to the old man but didn’t. I swore to myself that I’d be better prepared next time. And I know there will be a next time. I was lost in my own head for a while and then my food arrived. After the server set my plate down, she asking if I was OK and if I needed anything. I said that I was OK and she gave me this pitiful look as she told me that I was brave. I was nervous but I managed to be a little humorous. “Well I’m either brave or stupid and I think I am pretty stupid for coming out here.” Then she asked me if she could sit for a minute.
After she sat down she began to tell me that the guys in the bar are all talking about what happened to me. She says that she is sorry that the one old guy treated me that way. She said that everyone knows that the guy who gave me trouble is a real asshole. She told her boss about what happened and he was trying to get the guy to leave. Then she told me that her best friends brother is transitioning and she know how hard things can be. It was sweet but I felt so deflated on so many levels. First of all I wasn’t able to go out into the world and not get into trouble, secondly, I obviously didn’t pass as a woman and it was all turning out horribly. All of that made me think that my life might be in danger. Needless to say I was only able to pick at my food and all I could think about was getting out of there unnoticed.

The whole adventure felt like a very crazy turn of events. At first I was afraid to get out of my car and go into the restaurant. Now I was afraid to leave the public place where I felt a little more safe than I would be walking alone out to my car. My head was a mess and all I could think about was that I’ll never do this again. Maybe this is exactly what I needed. I finally went out in public, got noticed, looked at and judged. Now I was sitting there more stunned than anything else. Suddenly my mind shifted and all I could think about was if Dan was really coming back to talk to me. I wanted that more than anything else in the world and for one specific purpose. My safety. If he did come back I would tell him that I was frightened and needed him to protect me when I leave. When my server came back to check on me I wanted to ask her if Dan was still there and if he was could he come talk to me. I wanted to ask but couldn’t do it. So instead I just asked for my check.

I sat still but with a head full of crazy noise waiting for my check and wondering what I would do next. Before the server came back out, Dan did. I was so relieved and happy to see him that I wanted to cry. Actually the whole scene made me want to cry but now it was for a better reason. When he pulled up the chair next to me I had the biggest smile on my face and couldn’t hold back. Before he could speak I was telling him that I was freaked out and worried about the guy in the bar. Dan told me to calm down because nothing bad was going to happen to me. I asked him how he knew that and he said that he would be sure that I got out of there without any further problems. Then he offered to walk me to my car. I said that I was waiting for my bill and he said he had already taken care of it. I didn’t know what to say other than “Thank you” and “You didn’t have to do that.” Dan said that he just wanted me to feel good about coming out and how happy he is to get to know me. “Now, lets get you out of here.” He said while pushing back in his chair and standing up.

Dan waited for me to get out of my seat and followed behind me as we walked towards the gate to the parking lot. At the last second he lunged forward and opened the gate for me. Another “WOW” moment and my feminine feelings took flight. Dan let me through the gate and then followed behind again. Knowing that he was walking behind me gave me another boost. My steps were measured and I was careful to put one foot directly in front of the other in the hopes that my rear would move just right. Dan didn’t say a word but I could feel his eyes on me. When I got to my car I spun around and told him this was it. I leaned slightly onto the door and crossed my legs at my ankles. I watched Dan’s eyes scan my body, lingering as he took in my legs. I felt elation that someone was looking at me that way. I felt blood rush to my head and total euphoria warming my body. Dan must have felt something else because he abruptly looked away and made a joke about the coast being clear. Then with his eyes fixed on mine his voice took on a more serious tone. “Are you OK to drive, Jamie?” He asked. Although I was feeling quite drunk I told him that I was OK. Dan told me that I should be safe and if I wanted to hang out for a little while and talk it would give me a little time to sober up. I thanked him again, this time holding out my hand to shake. Dan took my hand and after a gentle shake he held it while asking if I wanted to sit inside the car. I got nervous and pulled my hand back and couldn’t speak for a second or two. My mind shouted “Why not?” and so I told him that I’d like that.
When I climbed in behind the wheel I pushed my seat back so I’d have room to sit comfortably. Then I crossed my left leg over my right and turned my body slightly towards the passenger seat. Dan was climbing in on that side and again I watched his face, particularly where his eyes were focused as he got comfortable. After glancing at my legs I saw that he took a little longer look at the front of my shorts. I freaked out for a second but after a quick look down there I saw that everything was in place. I was wearing a very uncomfortable but functional, compression type panty that held everything in place. There was a slight rise in the front of my shorts but nothing very revealing. It was awkward for a second so I just began by saying that I bet he has a lot of questions. Dan laughed and then I did too. It sounded so stupid but turned out to be a great ice breaker. He looked more serious after our laughter died down and he said that I was right, he did have questions but doesn’t want to pry or get too personal. I said that he had saved me, so I owe him.

Inside the car it was silent until Dan asked what I mean by, “Owe him?” I felt my face flush as I tried to think of the right thing to say. Finally I decided that it was the truth. I told him that since he saved me from trouble, I would let him ask me anything he wants. Dan took a long breath and then said that he was curious about this being the first time I ever encountered trouble like this. I honestly did want to talk to him without holding anything back but now faced with telling my story, I began to feel vulnerable. I figured I’d get right to it so I said, “This is the first time that I have been out.” Dan had a look of confusion on his face so I knew I had to tell him more. “I mean, this is the first time I have been out in public trying to pass as a woman. Actually, I’m a trans woman or at least trying to be.” His look didn’t change much so it was hard to know exactly what he had been thinking. He took his time before saying anything and in my mind it seemed like forever before he said, “Well you look like a woman to me. I mean you are pretty and your body looks amazing, you are very tall and you are all legs. I guess you can tell that I am a legs man. Anyway, your backside is cute too. A little small but still it’s nice!” And as he spoke his voice became a little less sure as he probably wondered what he was getting himself into. There was another moment of silence as I tried to process the compliments he had just given me. That was the best thing that had happened all day and it made me feel empowered. After a long breath I thanked him for the complements but quickly added that I must not look that good because of the reaction I got inside. Dan told me not to worry about the old man and his voice was again more comforting. He switched the subject to small talk again and that was really sweet.

Dan and I had a very nice conversation which ultimately came back around to me and my decision to live as a girl. He asked again if I was OK with talking about it and I told him that I was perfectly fine with it. It was true that I was drunk and that helped me keep my mouth going and gave me the courage to tell him more of my story. I’m not exactly sure but I swear I saw a look of excitement in his eyes when I talked about how I like to dress at home. When there was a slight pause in my talking Dan told me that he bet I look great in a short skirt. “I mean with your legs you can wear clothes like that all the time. Your legs must look killer in heels and stockings.” Then he said something that really shocked me. “I’d love to see you in something sexy!” My entire body felt warm and there was an electric shock that pulsed from my head to my toes. “Really?” I asked without much of a pause. Of course it has been years that I have dreamed of this happening. I’ve always wanted someone to see me as a woman and actually be excited for me in that way. “Yes, really. I love your look and I think you would look totally sexy in a short dress and heels.” So then he asked me why I didn’t dress that way today and I was happy to tell him about my fear of wearing a skirt or dress in public. After I explained he still insisted that it would have been OK if I wore a skirt today because what just happened would have happened anyway. It wouldn’t have been worse or better because of what I was wearing. He was right and I told him that but that I was pretty sure that I wasn’t going to come out in public again.

Dan and I had a long discussion about why or why I shouldn’t try again to present as a woman in public. He didn’t sound like he knew very much about the subject and of course he was all for it seeing as how it wouldn’t affect him. I mean, he wouldn’t be the target of the hatred and non-acceptance. In the end he said that he hoped I wouldn’t give up. I said that I had tried many times to give up my dream of being a woman but I just can’t stop.The desire and the feeling that is inside of me just never goes away. I can only give it up for a little while and try not to think about it. I may push it out of my mind and then one morning I get up and the first thing I am thinking about is making myself look pretty. I know that am a woman in every way except for the physical. At least this is how I feel and have for all of my life. Sitting in my car with a man who was showing me kindness allowed me to open up to him. He felt like a friend even though he was a perfect stranger to me. It may be true that I was drunk and in the back of my mind I was dreaming that I was a young girl on a first date with this guy. That felt pretty exciting even though it was only in my mind.

So the rum had me talking freely and at one point I said something about how I thought that if I were born a girl I would probably be pretty loose with my body. It was a stupid thing to say and I wish I hadn’t said it but it came out. Dan asked me to tell him why I thought that. And I didn’t have a solid answer other than to say that is how I feel when I dress in sexy things. “I mean isn’t the point of wearing revealing clothes to make you feel more sexy? And when I wear them I usually get pretty horny so if you put those two together what happens next is predictable.” Dan thought for a moment without saying anything and then he reached over and put his hand on my thigh just above my knee. A warm hand on my skin shook me to my core. OMG, my temperature went through the roof. A flash of heat raced through my body and I didn’t know what to do next. I was certainly not ready for this. Should I push him away? Scream at him to get out of my car? But I didn’t move an inch or say a word. Dan just held his hand there and asked if coming out today made me feel horny. I couldn’t even talk. Choking sounds were all that came out of my mouth and when he moved his hand slightly, I thought I was going to burst. I reached down and pushed his hand away as I told him that was enough. Dan apologized profusely and then a second later told me that my skin felt nice and soft. That made my mind swirl and thoughts raced into my mind that I wasn’t ready to feel. After pressing back in my seat and turning my legs away from him, all I could do was tell him that I should get going. Dan understood and suggested that we exchange phone numbers. When that was done he said goodbye and left.