Many of you have known me for a while, and I think you all know what I have been through… yes..?  If this is not clear to you…  I will elaborate on that horrid day in a different blog.
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Well, sometimes when I am tired and/or hungry I can turn into something of a brat; the filter in my brain stops working.  This is what helps me stop saying things that people normally would never say aloud! When Dad, M or J is around they can help me avoid getting onto other peoples nerves… Luckily, when I am out and about with Alice she helps me a little more civil too.  🙂  Of course I usually have Bob with me, and he is a great big furry clown until he senses me getting tense, then he can get downright scary and loud!  You know, I don’t feel like I deserve his loyalty sometimes, I imagine that I am failing at being human, just pretending… That this physical body is some kind of costume I am stuck in.  And I am impatiently waiting to evolve, pupate and emerge from the chrysalis I feel surrounding me. 
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And sometimes I can be oblivious to what & who is around me.   Usually I am hyper alert, almost too aware of what is going on near me, anything moving towards me almost triggers an alarm.  I am in “Fight or Flight” mode.  My therapist has told me many times that this is one of the “symptoms I exhibit” when my PTSD creeps to the surface.  Dr. B is helping me find some more effective combinations of meds… but I seem to always be “a work in progress”.  The calming exercises she taught me work most of the time, but not all of the time… The ADHD seems to be under control along with being Bipolar and Depressed.    And no, I have no issues with the side effects, high blood pressure or trouble falling asleep.  I just roll over onto my back and it is like I flipped my switch to the “off” position.  I am out in the limbo of slumber land in minutes, or at least it feels this way.
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There is no medication for being transgender and/or sometimes feeling gender fluid…  If you add all of these mixed up things together you end up with me!  But… there are no words I can use to clearly explain why I am the way I am. And maybe I do come across as someone who thinks of themselves as “Uniquely Different”.  But I am no better than anyone else.  And, I habitually try to stay unnoticed by everyone. it is a survival instinct I learned a long time ago.
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Sometimes I imagine that this is why some people are aggressive towards me… That it is somehow my fault…  Maybe seeing me trying to be who I feel I am on the inside, is intimidating to them.  I stir up feelings in themselves that they don’t want to face….?  So they get angry instead of introspective or empathetic.  They get in my face, threaten or yell at me, and maybe… wait to stalk me until I can be isolated and “taught a lesson”…. Well these are the thoughts that are filling my head today.
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Sending all of you some of my love, a warm hug, a tentative smile, peace, hope and prayers.  – Iris
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p.s. Hey, would you do me a favor?  Tomorrow when you are with your family, give one a good long hug and remind them that you love them, okay? …thanks 🙂