Got stuck late at work Thursday because the over night didn’t show up luckily found someone to come in almost 2 hours after my shift end. Go home got to clear my mind a little by playing with a friend I met a few years ago. Tried out a game I haven’t before (Valorant) I guess I’m ok at it. all in all I guess it was an alright day. skip forward to friday. Woke up puking and cramping. Couldn’t keep food down. Smoked some weed and relaxed for a little. Then felt ok for a little time so me and my boyfriend met up with some friends on the motorcycles. The ride was pretty fun I met a new member of the riding group that I think is pretty “interesting”. Like I could find  FlyingTogether UAL
myself being friends with them on my own even if i didn’t meet em this way. They seem to have some struggles I hope to one day help with. It might just be my caring personality but I wanna help em not be so lonely and maybe find some more hobbies to keep themselves distracted. they are a veteran. discharged due to injury. Can tell they are trying to hide it all and be ok. But I can see it behind the eyes. and I can hear the meaning in the words. After the ride I started getting sick again for no reason. Skip forward to the next day still sick. Run around all over trying to do errands. had a back and forth argument with my bf. always circling to how I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough. Got over that argument. fast forward to sunday. Sick again. Lazy day doing some laundry smoking just tryna be ok but my head was pretty full. By the time I was trying to go to bed I just couldn’t I just layed there staring at the ceiling until around 6 am. wondering if I’ll ever be good enough. I don’t I can be. atleast not for the one person I’ve chosen to be my person. Now for tonight. I got into a deep convo with my father. Talked about my self harm a little and his encounter with a unaliving attempt. got to talking on his current stressors and trying to help with it. I don’t know what to do though. He’s telling his 23 year old daughter that got left behind as a baby that it’s hurting him being stuck with a family because he went out and made another kid this year. I don’t know how to help. I know the pain it brings when he leaves you to grown up without a dad. But It’s not right to make someone do something that hurts them and yeah I have no say in any of it but I really want him to be there for my brother. I really don’t want him to grow up in the pain I did and feeling the emptiness I felt. But how can I explain that to someone hurting too? Idk sorry this was a big jumble and a lot.