February 03, 2013
Good sharing SOB’s, what are they good for? I am utterly amazed how much bulls^^t I hear around tables. Earlier tonight a gentleman who had been using drugs for 23 years got his 60 day tag. Unfortunately, I see so many people come in the doors and not make to 60 days. “John” did, and you could literally see the difference from 6 weeks ago when I first met him. He struggled his whole way through. White knuckled it, I would say because I went through the same exact hell. It’s one of the few times I can honestly say it touched me, it brought back memories. Typically I am indifferent during the key tag ceremony. One of the reason’s I attend AA much more then NA is that by the time the key tags are handed out I’m ready to leave. For me, it’s too much, the readings, the reports, blah, blah, blah. In any event, once we sat down, read the entire second step and started our table, the first gentleman, loosely titled, proceeded to call class in session and began speaking directly to John about what he should be doing, where he should be with his higher power, and literally told him he’d be lucky to get his 90 day tag because he was far short of doing his 90 in 90. He told John that he had done 97 meetings in his first 90 days and now that he has 137 days free from heroin, he no longer obsesses about using drugs and that his higher power had even taken away any urges like he experienced in the first 90 days. ”I don’t even think about drugs anymore.” What? What did he just say? I missed something. You what? “I did my forth step at 90 days and it really set me free.” Oh no he didn’t. I was preparing to strike. I was speaking next no matter what. In that moment God’s grace allowed me a moment of clarity, maybe understanding. This is not the place. It not even my place to say anything. Not at the tables. Let it go. I hear some ridiculous crap sitting around tables. One of my major defects is I want to pounce on NA gurus with all that “good sharing” bull. Recovery for me is not and especially early recovery was not butterflies and rainbows. In my addiction, I started with alcohol and spent the next 22 years progressing my way to heroin, which I used for the last 5 years exclusively. By the end I had done every miserable, disgusting, humiliating thing to everyone around me a drug addict can do to those who love him. I discussed this with my sponsor on many occasions because I would get pissed off sometimes sitting at tables listening to people wondering if they could hear themselves. What he told me makes a lot of sense but is still sometimes hard to remember because my thick skull gets in the way. His point was, if there was a beautiful buffet set up for dinner with shrimp, lobster, prime rib, all the things I love to eat, yet there was a bowl of fried donkey dicks, why do I always want to pick the donkey dicks? I know it sounds retarded but his point was always don’t concentrate on the negative. Let it go. Take what is good at the table and leave the rest at the table. Even in life I tend to be drawn to the negative. I have to always remind myself. It’s not about me. Truly, without AA and NA I would not be around today. I believe that. I am grateful that they accepted me so freely. I had to thank God not only for his blessings on me and John but especially for bringing the other gentleman into our life. My one buddy who shares the same sponsor as I do had to say, “he’s right where he’s supposed to be”, which is exactly what our sponsor says repeatedly.