I just came from the depressed side, now I'm thinking of my addiction side. Ahh I am definitely and addict. My 3 addictions are booze, food and shopping. Not in that order. I can't really put them in order, they are pretty much all equal. I was diagnosed with depression as a kid, now going on 25 yrs of being a horribly depressed person with meds that don't really help. Along with the depression is severe anxiety and I noticed how much alcohol makes me relax, not even relax, but allows me to function when I feel like I'm about to jump out a window. It does everything that Xanax is SUPPOSED to do, except it makes me feel good, not zoned out and like I'm going in for surgery. I don't really think anything in the Valium family is good for you, maybe it is good for you compared to drinking a lot? Hmmm I don't know, it doesn't sound a whole lot better but what do I know?

Everyday is a struggle. I spend down to the last dollar. I try not to eat seconds and snacks, but I am hungry (the fault of one of my meds and also the fault of just plain lovin' food) Then atnight I need my drink. Just one or two. On the weekends, more. I need it though, that's what is upsetting me. Before I could leave it for the weekends or holidays. But now I need it bad. I don't know where to start to stop the addiction. I don't want to go to AA, I just want to not need to drink, eat and shop on a daily basis. Moderation. I seem to have less and less of that going for me.

I am fat and I hate it. My fatness came on so suddenly, that I know it's got to be my medication. I went from not eating much and being a size 2, to an 8 in less than a year.

I'm in love, madly, with someone I can't have. I am missing him daily. We hooked up twice last summer but he's moving on. I can't stand loving someone I can't have. I've loved him since he was 19, he's now almost 25… I am sick of talking about and thinking about him, but it's all I know how to do.

I gotta take my pills before Project Runway. Then I can have my r&c during the show along with late night snack. I wonder if exersice can even help me now. I hate it so much.


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