I guess I don't understand my life at all right now. I've been with the same guy for the past 10 months and before this, I had some pretty awful relationships. I had a few really abusive ones and I was strong enough to leave, but the effects were powerful on my outlook of life for a long time.
Last Spring I studied abroad in Spain (2011) and it was amazing. My passion for the language and the people grew and I felt like I came home a much better, happier, sweeter, and stronger person. I even dated a great guy while there, who helped me see the light again. That is something really special in my eyes. To this day, we are good friends and he insists on coming to find me one day.
However I've been dating a guy and I entered the relationship so elated and excited, but we had our ups and downs. He called me another girl's name in bed, lied about having her in his bedroom and even took her on vacation with him. It took a huge toll on me and at the same time it was so early in our relationship that I started to feel like "fine, if he wants to mess this up then it's his loss because I'm beautiful and strong. I don't need anyone to define me".
Things got a lot better though and I messed up by talking too much to my Spanish ex.
Now, things are so confusing. We're 8 hours apart during summer and he wont' allow me to text certain guys because he thinks they like me or because I had an interest in them in the past. He's gone through my entire Facebook message history and my phone on various occassions, one of which happened to be when I was throwing up and really sick. I felt extremely betrayed and angry. I always forgave him though after a while and he'd always cry about it so I give in. When I was with him last, he even sorta put my dreams of Spain down and only wants me to go if HE can come back with me because he said it wouldn't be right if my ex sees me. He's lied to me in the past but I think it got a lot better. However he has mentioned a few times about how hot other girls are nad sometimes is around them, I dont like it at all. I kept worrying about it and worrying and now I feel numb. Just like so down on myself and I feel so mean to him because I always snap and I feel so alone. He knows this and says its my depression (which YES, it could be adding into it but depression is real to me. I hate when people think its made up or not that bad).
His mom was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer and its really hard to deal with. I always feel like being mean (no clue why) but I think its a big defense mechanism. Regardless of my fears, I am still extremely sweet to him & his family. I live with my own family right now, who really doesn't support my dreams of returning to Spain. I feel like a little kid, trapped and I also feel like my happiness isn't as much of a priority as it is for my boyfriend to be happy. Partly because of his mom, but also because I have had to give so much up to be with him that now I don't feel like the old me and I wonder if he really cares…