So after a lengthy discussion with my sister earlier this evening I got to thinking about something that has no bearing on my immediate living situation but certainly has a pretty big impact on the greater part of my life, which was my personal feelings on child rearing. Knowing that I am in no state to be a father both financially and emotionally it is something that really shouldn't concern me yet, but it does warrant substantial thinking.

I have known for some time that I want to adopt, overpopulation has bothered me for as long as I have been able to fathom just how many people populate this vast planet of ours, which was probably the first time I saw a mcdonalds say "over 1 billion sold" on it…which sent a chill down my spine. I have resolved that if I were ever with someone who did want their own children I would agree to one. However, I also feel strongly that it's important for a child to have siblings in order to properly shape their social and emotional development, which means ultimately I would yet again have to adopt. The question that I posed to my sister which we seem to have differing opinions on is whether or not it is alright to adopt and have biological children at the same time. I used to think so, but after reading the memoirs of the writer louise erdrich i'm beginning to have my doubts…

 The Blue Jays Dance: A Birth Year is the recounting of motherhood during early infancy for a mother and writer who is trying to find a balance in her life between doing the two, it recounts with splendid joy the experience of nurturing and caring for a newborn child and all of the miracles one can expect to experience during this process. However, the problem with it is that she also confesses to having two older children who were adopted. two boys, who are both referred to as being extremely troubled when referenced at all in this book. It is pretty evident that her children are not all equal in her eyes, which i think is inevitable however a parent must do their best to keep it close and never let one think the other is more loved (writing a book about 3 of your 5 children will kinda tip them off who you like most…). So after reading this I have to wonder, can it even be done? I like to think I could love unconditionally regardless of biological attachement, but even then I can't say for sure, but whats much harder is how my beloved who bore my child would have to try to be unbiased.

I can't possibly deny that there is a deep connection between a mother and a child, much deeper than that of a man and a child. This is something I respect and also regret I cannot feel, since I would love to be that close to something, to quite literally extend myself into another living being and be connected so closely. With that comes a great burden in the situation of adoption though, because really how can you not love that child more than an adopted child which you never shared that bond? This creates a real bind for me emotionally, because I doubt very much that I'll find the woman of my dreams who also happens to share my strong concerns for overpopulation as well as my complex feelings on adoption and parenting.

 I must admit this is all a long ways down the road, it just worries me that one day I could find myself tearing a rift with a loved one all because I am so specific about my personal politics when it comes to raising a child.