I felt so sad a minute ago. before I read Mart’s comment and after I ate just whatever…totally against my usual grain; which was after dad and I discussing the history of my eating disorder abd how it has isolated, inhibited me, interfered with my social life.  Well i also had yogurt, something soft.  now i just feel tired, wrung out.  Is this psychological?  Could be.  I mean I never felt very hungry before, like it felt like i fed myself enough.  the social aspect of life…  mom and dad, calling me to take better care of myself.  Our relationship is often intense when there is a relationship.  Most of the time i just feel so alone.  That’s why I wen t on eharmony.  Ahhgh.  And do I have repressed anger?  It feels more like repressed sadness.  Is it against mom and dad and am I turning it against myself?  I always like to see myself as a person who can take negatives and turn them into positives.  I don’t know who I am, but I know that right now I don’t feel mad at them just tired.  Earlier today after our big discussion everybody got together, we were like a family.  Everybody took responsibility.  chad vacumed and dad guided him through the knooks and crannies so it wasn’t just sloppy, i cleaned out a bunch of my junk under our bathroom sinks that mom gave us (there’s some resentment there), mom was loving, mostly easy-going and she paid attention to me, not just chad.  Mom instructed Jayda to swiffer the bathroom floors.  And I cleaned out this stuff, this bathroom stuff after mom requested i clean the washroom. that we need to clean the washroom regularly.  i said i didn’t know the point of cleaning the washroom if it just was going to get dirty again, that i didn’t want to clean it because it was mainly Chad’s grub and that the grubby shower tiles didn’t bother me as long as i came out clean.  Mom and dad explained their perspective to me, though, before all the cleaning began.  This all made me happy.  And then I ate lunch…just whatever.  That’s not hte perspective i went into it, though.  My gentle perspective is becoming more apathetic now, though.  I just feel sad.  instead of tired?  And still a little full.  Slightly uncomfortable, but i don’t care.  I mean i don’t want to eat so much like this again.  My skin is better sure, and i do have some more energy which is good but i’m convinced Mart, my mom and dad are right.  this is more psychological than anything.  and now fears are bubbling up and the love is dissipating away.  I don’t want to go to the gym.  I don’t want to see myself.  I just want to walk uphill on the treadmill till I’m back to normal, till i get the perfect balance of energy – right now apparently a love that is gentle is feasible for me, but not a love that is unconditional.



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