So last night I had a pretty long talk with my mother in regards to everything that’s going on and found out more lies. How could I be so blind? How could he hide the smell so well? Who wears that much colonge? Who chews that much gum? Who goes out for errands that much? How could I never notice these things…

Just when I thought his drinking and driving was bad, now I find out that he keeps his "stash" in the car… What if me or my siblings ever got pulled over and had the car searched! What the f— is wrong with him? Doesn’t he realize he’s putting our lives in jeopardy?

I just don’t feel anything towards him. He’s way past denial. I feel so hurt that this one person whom I had always looked up to, isn’t that great of a person. The lies and the deceit are unforgiveable.

He’ll never admit he has problems. He’ll never get help. He’ll never change. When he does, would I forgive him? No, b/c by then it’ll be too late.

My mom is exactly like her own mother who lived through abuse and refuses to divorce. She’s afraid of the damage it’ll do to her own mother. They are both very strong on faith… Faith? Risking your life for the sake of being forgiven by God? Why live such a horrible life just to live happily when you die? Death… something nobody on this planet fully understands or is capable of knowing what happens. That’s corrupt.

And then, my mother filled in the blanks about other questions I had been pondering. These answers I had only speculated about, but was never prepared to accept that they were true. How could he? All this time? All these years..

I’m so desperately trying to hold onto the sunlight, I just feel so disgusted by these new thoughts of how I have been deceived…