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SORRY IT'S LONG BUT PLEASE READ. I think I have hit rock bottom. I am only 19 and am having trouble getting back on my feet. I've been struggeling with Anxiety, OCD and ADD since I was about 12 and recently became depressed at about 16 17. I have also recenty developed a drinking problem and controling how much i drink. It gives me confidence.

So to get on with why i feel so low, i'll make it brief otherwise itl be a book. A month and a half ago me and my boyfriend split up. It was after a night on the town, where he had to look after me all night because i was so wasted. I can't even remember most of it. I love him more than anything in the world and I still do. He had talked to me before about how my drinking was upsetting him. I heard what he said but I don't think it sunk in. Otherwise that night wouldn't have happened. He told me that we would still be friends ad that he still cares for me. (We work together at least once a week, thats how we met). The weeks from that day have been hell for me. Everytime I see him I want to pull him into a hug and tell him how much i love him. I love him so much it hurts. I see him laughing and it kills me that its not because of me. I try my best to be professional and the easiest way is to ignore him and only talk to him about work. I have had 2 melt downs at work where I've had to go out back and cry, once having to be sent home. After a few days of ignoring him I couldnt take it anymore and had to ask him if we could catch up. He agreed and so we went for a walk. When we parted it was the hardest thing not to say I love you and to instead just walk away. I became so depressed I couldnt smile at anything and I just wanted to get out of my life. I needed a break so i went to my sisters house in Christchurch for 2 days (I live in New Zealand in Wellington). I didnt want to come back to Wellington so we came up with this crazy idea that I would move down there, my sister has a spare room. My cousin saw my update on facebook and said he could hook me up with a job. So the idea became serious. My whole work heard about it and some people think it's a great idea. When I got back to Wellington I went another few weeks at work not talking to my ex, I couldnt take it anymore, I asked him for another walk and he said yes. We hung out for a bit then parted to go home. The next week i had a 4 day week and i couldnt bring myself to speak to him, the way he looks, talks, everything is all perfect. I ignored him the whole week. I even went in to work on my day off to check the roster and couldnt even look at him, as i went to leave he called out to me bye sush!! (my nickname). Later that day i got a txt from my friend who also works at briscoes that he had called her store and asked her what was up and why Im completley ignoring him and someone had told him i was having a leaing party (which im not) and he was upset about it. I felt terrible so I decided I would talk to him in a few days which was when i next had work. On that day (last Tuesday) he asked me if I would have chats with him after work, I said yes and i was like good i'll talk to him then. After work it was raining so he said maybe another day but I needed to say sorry so I asked him for a quick chat. He agreed so we sat in my car. I started appolagising and he said to stop and nothing was my fault. Then he said he thought he should say something and he told me he had started seeing someone else. I didnt take it to well. I was in shock for a bit then burst into tears and said he had moved on very very fast. I asked how long for and he said a few weeks. I couldnt handle how fast he has moved on so I sat there crying for a while. He rubbed my back and said he wasnt sure how i was going to take it because he didnt know how i was feeling and that now he regretted it because he doesnt like to see me upset. I started going on about how i was a bitch and that everything was my fault and he said that he didnt care how many times he had to say its not my fault because he would say it how many times it would take. I told him that I still love him and i miss him etc he told me he misses me to. I called the new girl his girlfriend and he said it wasnt like that and that they were just dating, they wernt girlfriend boyfriend. I just cried more and pulled parts off my car. He hoped it was helping but it wasnt. I told him I would have to leave work and that i couldnt work there anymore. He offered to leave instead but i said no. I couldnt do that to him. I wasnt looking at him but when I did I saw that he had been crying and i was suprised by that. I told him that I cant do this anymore and that its to hard to even look at him and that i think about him everyday day and everything reminds me of him. I couldnt see his face at this point because i was crying and he had put his head in his hands, he was swearing a bit though. I told him i knew that he stopped loving me and he said he didnt stop, it was how, he said I feel like more of a friend than a girlfriend, but that he also hadnt felt those feelings with his other ex's. He hadnt felt that protective of someone or that happy. But that after a while it felt more like a friendship. It kills me because i love him so much. He asked me if i was going to Christchurch because of him, i had tried to kid myself it wasnt but i had to be honest to both of us and i said yes. He said he had also been trying to kid himself it wasnt but that he had known as well and hes upset by it. He said that if i left it would be bad for him. Just looking at him then killed me, not being able to hold him while he was upset. I said Im going to leave briscoes and I dont think I can see you anymore. He cut me off and said please dont say that and he started crying. I said its to hard for me. He took my hand and said I dont want to lose you, I want you in my life. I said I dont want to lose you either but i cant handle it. He cried and just kept saying please dont go and that he doesnt like seeing me like this and it kills him that its him whos causing it. We had been there for an hour and a half and he was being summond home but he said he wasnt leaving me like this. Eventually he had to go so I wished him happiness with this new girl and I said to him I'm gonna say it one more time because I dont know whats going to happen and if ill see you again…I love you. He cried and said I love you to and he promised we'd hold hands again and that we'd talk again. He wanted to ask if i was okay but that it would be a stupid question. He made me promise id drive safe and offered to call my mum to come get me. I said no. We eventually let go of hands and he done a nervous laugh and said I'm all teared up and wiped his eyes. When he got out of the car he walked a bit then turned around and smiled and said in sign language I will see you. Then walked home in the rain. I cried and cried for hours. One of my friends from work happened to drive past and see me. She txted to make sure i was okay. I think Im lucky to have my work crew, they have all been really supportive. At home i was so upset i had a panic attack and nearly passed out. I txted my work friends and organised to meet them on break the next day. When I met up with them they told me not to resign yet and see how i feel later.That night i had to much thinking time whilst in the bath, Linda had been telling me i was being mean to ben and to stop it, i told her i wasnt ignoring him on purpose and i care about him more than anything and i would never hurt him on purpose and she was just like whatever. Then she told me I wasnt getting full time work because Im a bad worker, that one came out of nowhere. I was really upset so took a razor to my wrist. I have never done that before and i freaked out. Luckily i didnt cut deep. I was going to call in sick on thursday but dad said my work mates will respect me if i face my problem and see ben. Turns out that my boss had already been tipped off and she was going to keep us sperared as best they could. That day my ex was sick and couldnt make it to work. I wanted to make sure he was okay but new i couldnt. None of the workers noticed my wrist, I wore braceltes to cover it up. The next day i spent it with Shannon (the friend that drove past) and we went for a bike ride. It was really fun. I still had my ex on my mind though. Hes all i can think about. The next day which was yesterday my friend Linda invited me to town. Deep down I knew i shouldnt go, I was upset about Ben and I hadnt had a drink since the night we broke up. I pushed that to the back of my mind and decided i would have a fun night out and meet a guy just like he had met a girl. It was a terrible decision. I drank to much, and done something I would never have thought i would do. I met a guy and he said come back to mine, and i said yes. I am so lucky my friend Mel followed. I was very nearly raped but she got me out of there and got me home. If she had left me who knows where i would be now. I know that i should NEVER have done that and i never thought i would. I sent out an appology to everyone else in the morning. Linda is so angry at me and isnt talking to me. They just kept on clubbing and didnt know where we were. I was so stupid and i knew i wasnt ready to drink. I have decided that I will leave my job at briscoes. I cant handle this pain anymore. I am hoping that by leaving I will get over my ex. I wont have to see him everyweek and take that step backwards. I just cant get him out of my mind. I love him so so much, id do anything for him. I cant take seeing him anymore when i know hes thinking about someone else. I miss his arms around me. I love my job but its not worth this pain. I'm only human and i cant go on like this. I will give him my email and if he is genuine we can email and keep in touch. I just cant see any other way out of the mess that i am in. I will miss him so so much and it kills me that i have to lose him more than i have and also that i will be upsetting him. But he will be fine without me and probably forget about me. He might be upset for a day. But hes got someone else to think about now. This whole thing is killing me. And i know that it may seem so little as a relationship ending, but i love him and i dont know why its been so hard on me. My pshyc has been away for the last few weeks so I havnt been able to go to her which is hard. I know that i will be laying off the alcohol for while now and i do need help with that. This Tuesday I am going to Christchurch for 5 days which should be a nice break from all this. But I honestly cant see the way out of this and I dont know how to handle how im feeling. And it doesnt help that some people are saying Bens probably putting on an act and he doesnt actually care what i do or think. That hurts me so much. Its like my world is crumbling down around me.

Im sorry for the leangth.

1 Comment
  1. AloneForeverNew 9 years ago

    just to let you know i read the whole thing, but iv never had a relationship so i don't know what to say but i know what it's like to love people in different ways and for them to want out of your life. it's not fair how it feels like you have to be something different for them to want you, which isn't right really. There will be so many people who will not only take but want and need you exactly as you are right now.

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