Ok well this is me, so why can't i tell anyone?

i'm 33 years old, mum of 5 and wife to Mike, i live it the UK, i have depression – it started as postnatal depression but thanks to my non helpfull doctor and my non exceptance it got worse. Mike and my kids are my world, i would die without them, but they can cope without me, they don't need me, i see them getting on with life and running the house, i don't seem to have a fuction, what is my role in life? When my youngest was born i had a complicated delivery and we thought we would loose her, i couldn't bond with her at the time and then my nan passed away, then Mike's grandad passed away and then  I lost my dad in 2006 1 year after my youngest was born, i never told him of my depression as i wanted to be the perfect daughter – not that he expected me to be perfect – i was daddys little girl and could do nothing wrong – as where my my children in his eyes they were perfect not matter what, i gave him 3 grandaughters and 2 gransons all of whom he spoiled and showed off to the world, we saw him everyday, he made a point of visiting so he didn't miss a thing with the kids, he was diagnosed with late stage cancer in August 2006, he said he knew this was his time and went all out spoiling everyone, he told us that we had to look after my mum that christmas as he wouldn't be there and to make sure she got all the gifts he had brought her, i cried my eyes out, this wasn't happening, not to my dad, the best dad in the world, he was always there no matter what, everyone wanted my dad to be theirs – was  just a big kid with a big heart whoo saw the best in everyone. The day he died we were visiting him in hospital we hadn't been there long when he asked me to take the kids out of the room as he didn't want them to see what was going to happen, we huddled in the waiting room while doctors and nurses ran in and out of his room, Mike was asked if he would be with him as he slipped away, i couldn't do it but Mike was there for him, we had to phone my mum and my brother, my sister was too far away to get there, ever since that day i've walked round with yet another "face" on had to be strong for the kids, couldn't let it go i wasn't the only 1 suffering his loss, so i just filed it away with the postnatal depression and got on with it, i have never spoken of his death until now and it feels good just to write it down, it to me means i have started to except it the hole in my life will never be filled, i will always miss him but i know life goes on.  we moved house the following year and thought it would be for the best that turned out to be the worst thing we have ever done, we ended up in a worse place than we left, horrible neighbours that made our life a missery and my eldest got bullied at school, we had to ask for an emergancy house move from our housing association which saw us 1st with Mike's mum, then in temporary housing and a final move to where we are today, i hate it here i will never  trust anyone around me, have not made many friends and will never let anyone know my situation in life.

So here i am 33 yrs old, depressed, i have panic attacks if i leave the house and wont even tell Mike how i feel deep down, i question him as to why he's still with me, i have been so horrible to him, pushed him away and rejected him but he is still here and refuses to leave me to sink anyfuther, he gets my dark days and he gets my happy days he's my rock – so why can't i tell him how i feel? only 2 other people know of my situation thats my mum-in-law and my sister-in-law, i feel too ashammed to tell anyone and i don't want to be judged as different or attention seeking or making excuses for life or be labled or talked about. Why do i put on this Normal Face and hide the truth? I just want to be me again!

1 Comment
  1. briza_84 5 years ago

    Hi … as I read this I can relate… I am also 33yrs old and I also started having anxiety in 2006 when my grandfather passed away (he was like my dad) I’m sorry your feeling this way I know is hard we just have to be positive, I have no children, I am too scared to have any and feel like they might inherit my anxious tendencies that and I’m scared of having attacks during the pregnancy and not be able to take anything for it ;( luckily like you my husband is also my rock, I don’t know what I would do without him, stay strong and if it helps, I can be your friend, no judgements here…BTW I’m in Florida.

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